Keep Your Eyes Open
by stayhidd3n
Summary: "But his arms are there to comfort me. And eventually his lips." - A more in-depth story of just how Katniss and Peeta grew back together after everything they went through. Post Mockingjay, pre-epilogue.
1. Promise

Slowly, with many lost days, I come back to life. I try to follow Dr. Aurelius's advice, just going through the motions. I find solace in sitting by my usual chair by the fire, watching the flames dance and flicker, waiting for them to ignite a spark within myself, so I have the inspiration to live again. But they never do. Instead, I sit there, an empty shadow in a chair, Buttercup purring on my lap, mewling around the chair, trying to annoy me enough to get out of my chair, which has become my rut. But it never works, so he gives up. He alternates between comforting me with his fur and irritating me with his witch-like noises every day, so it becomes routine.

Greasy Sae comes by twice a day and forces me to eat, then washes the dishes she's used, but nothing else. Sometimes her granddaughter comes with her, but not very often. I think she's scared of what she might find. Haymitch drops in once a month or so, but this usually consists of him entering the threshold of my house, seeing me in the chair, tutting and muttering to himself, then turning and leaving, slamming the door behind him, annoyed that I haven't made any progress. The stench of cheap alcohol he leaves behind is almost enough to make me want to get out of the chair and open a window. Almost. Instead, I wait hours for Greasy Sae and she does it for me.

Rather than spending all this time thinking about life, my mind is numb. Some days there are fleeting thoughts, but nothing ever lasts long enough. My thoughts are like smoke, and acting upon them is like trying to hold water in my hands. Every passing second they slowly slip away from me. Like everything and everyone else in my life. I do not live, I only exist. Gale is in District 2, and I know that with every day that passes, he thinks less and less of me, as he moves on with his life and becomes closer to finding somebody new to heal the pain I put him through. I wonder how long it will take for the scars I left on him to completely heal. In a sick way, I hope they will never fully heal, so he will always have something to remember me by. So there will be proof I existed. Not as the Mockingjay or The Girl on Fire, but as Katniss Everdeen, the young girl from District 12 who went hunting with her best friend as often as she could.

Those days feel so far away, trying to remember them is like trying to see through dirty water. It is possible, but I have to calm myself and it takes a long time. It takes too much effort and leaves me feeling drained, so I don't do it very often. I just sit in my chair, listening to the rhythm of my heart and breathing, wondering if the slight pumping noise will ever stop, and all my pain will cease. Whenever the phone rings, I know it's my mother, but I only answer it if Greasy Sae is home, because she answers for me. She talks to my mother for a while before handing the phone to me. Usually, I do not talk, but instead listen to my mother talk at me, silently making sure is okay. I know my silence hurts her, but she is thousands of miles away and moving on with her life. She doesn't need me around to constantly remind her of her past. I wish she'd just stop calling. When the phone rings and Greasy Sae is around, I let the sound echo around the empty house, then when it finally stops, I battle with the shame that bubbles up inside of me.

I know I shouldn't push people away like I do, but it's all I know. There is only one person who can break through my walls and he lives next door. I face away from the windows so I don't ever accidentally catch a glimpse of him. I never let myself think about him. Whenever my mind wanders, he is there and it takes every ounce of my abysmal strength not to break down in tears. He never visits. I don't know if he hates me or if he thinks he's doing me a favour. All I know is that I need him, but that I will never admit that to myself. I slowly come to terms with the fact that I have lost Peeta and that he will never be The Boy with the Bread ever again. Not to me.

That is why when I hear his gentle voice flutter through the locked door, my eyes widen in shock. "Katniss?" he asks, after I had ignored his preceding knock. My heart rate doubles and I begin to sweat, but still, I sit there frozen. This is the most alive I've felt in months, knowing he is there, only a few feet away, only a thin wooden door separating us. I'm so unsure what to do, so I don't do anything. I do what I have always done, since I left the Capitol for the final time. I just exist, waiting for others' actions to affect my life. Part of me hopes that Peeta will give up, turn away and never come back. But another part of me, much more dominant, wills him to open the door. It is this part of me that allows me to finally find what I have spent months searching for, in the depths of my heart.

A spark.

I feel it, igniting my core. I hear the doorknob turn and the flames within me spread from my core, slowly seeping towards every crevice and orifice in my body. The door creaks and Peeta opens it and I hear his gentle footsteps on the mahogany floor. He is now in the same room as me and I am alarmingly aware of this fact. The fire within me coarses through my veins, my capillaries until every cell in my body feels like it is on fire. I am in pain, but I believe that I must be a masochist, because the pain relaxes me. I am a complete oxymoron. I feel alarmed, intense knowing that Peeta is near, yet calmed by his presence.

He crosses the room and stands between myself and the fire, his body blocking the light and warm of the flames, but bringing a warmth and brightness of it's own. My gaze remains the same, only I am staring at his torso, rather than the flames. Peeta lowers his body down onto the balls of his feet as he crouches down, so my eyes are staring deeply into his.

And my walls crumble. They crash down around me, causing an earthquake of emotion. I launch myself off of my wooden chair and he only just catches me in time, my weight knocking him back into the wall behind him, but I do not stop. I force myself upon him, knowing he'd allow me entry if he had the choice anyway, but I do not give it to him. I kiss him passionately and I feel **alive**.

Once he has a moment to catch up, Peeta reciprocates my kiss and I feel all the emotions between us. All the pain, hurt, anger, sadness, elation goes into this once kiss that lasts for at least ten minutes. For the first times in months I have an actual indication of time. Whilst kissing me, he has wrapped his arms around my waist as I have him locked against the wall. I do not want to stop kissing him, because I don't want to have to deal with the ramifications of my bold actions. All I know that is every second of numbness I felt in this kitchen have been worth it, for this one moment. This one kiss, which I want to get lost in forever.

I feel his hands slip from my waist, down my legs, until he grips at the backs of them and I know what he wants. I jump as he lifts me and my legs wrap instinctively around his waist. Not breaking the kiss, he leads me out of the kitchen and into the hallway, towards the bedroom. He begins to ascend the stairs and bumps me into a few walls along the way, but I do not mind. Not one bit. Finally, breathlessly, he throws me down on my bed and throws his shirt off before jumping on top of me, peppering me in kisses.

Everything is moving so fast, like a blur. I find it hard to concentrate as I dig my hands into his sandy blonde hair. I focus as much as I can on Peeta whilst he slowly takes my clothes off. I arch my back off of the bed and my body into his as he pulls off my shirt and throws it aside. His hands run down the side of my body and unclip my trousers as I wriggle out of them. When I toss them aside, I unclip his trousers and do the same. Because I need him. I need him so much.

We sit on my bed for a moment, staring at each other, wearing only our underwear. His body is so beautiful, I think as I marvel over him. I take in his tanned skin and his beautiful blue eyes. I can't look at anything else but him and wonder what I did to deserve him. "Are you sure you want to do this?" Peeta asks me nervously, his eyes piercing into me. I am unsure of my answer and I freeze up. I know I want this so much, but I also know it is not the right time. Not right now. The epiphany fills me up and I can't help but let out what I've been holding in for so long. The tears roll over my eyes and down my cheek, landing on my pristine bed sheets. Peeta watches me for a moment, then pulls me under the bed covers with him.

He pulls me into him and I nestle into his warmth as I am surrounded by safety. All I can feel are him and the blankets. He puts his arm around me and rubs comforting circles into my arms with his thumb. He calms me when I sob particularly loudly, but otherwise he allows me to get everything out. I roll onto my side and spread my arms protectively over him, curling around his neck and locking him into me with my grip. He chuckles a little, his strawberry sweet breath blowing into my face as he burrows his head next to mine. My sobs finally subside and I am tired. More tired than I have been in a while. I feel sleep anchoring me down, but I do not want to fall. Instead, I battle to stay awake. Peeta watches me and sees my eyelids fluttering. He leans in and plants a slow, gentle kiss on my slightly parted lips.

"Sleep." He says through the darkness, as nighttime has finally descended upon us. "I'll still be here in the morning. I promise."

And with his promise to me lingering in the air, I lose the battle with impending sleep and fall into an impending nightmare, but I know, deep in my subconscious, that Peeta will be there to comfort me when I wake up screaming. And that comforts me to no end.


	2. Destruction

_I am in the cave with Peeta in the 75__th__ Hunger Games arena, but I am not scared by this predicament. Peeta is leaning on his elbows either side of me, his body lingering over mine, slowly lowering himself on to me. I feel the weight of him touch against me and I feel his warmth wash over me. He smiles as he leans in to kiss me. I am laying down on the smoothest rock we could find in the cave and I press my back against the rock as his lips touch mine. Sparks fly, and I wrap my arms around his back, pulling him into me. He obeys, then I roll us both over so I am sat on top of his, my knees on either side of his body. I caress his face in my hands, slowly running them down over his neck, down his chest, gliding down his stomach until I reach the hem of his shirt, which I begin to tug at. Peeta realizes what I want and leans upwards with ease, despite my weight on top of him. He allows me to pull his shirt off and toss it aside. I lean back for a moment, admiring his naked torso, running my hands across him. He chuckles, and the sound is like music to my ears. I droop my head back down to his and we kiss again, surrounded by my brown locks, creating a veil around us, blocking us out from the outside world. I feel Peeta grasp at my back and roll us over again. I close my eyes as we tumble effortlessly, knowing I am safe in his arms. I hear a growling noise and open my eyes._

_Peeta is staring at me, bloodlust in his eyes. Their previous gentle blue is gone, instead replaced by a deadly black where his pupils have dilated. He is snarling, his teeth bared at me, like he is feral. It takes me a moment to recognize the danger, but once I do, I scream and try to struggle against him. His arms are gripped around me like iron and I can do nothing to get him off me. My heart is thumping so fast and hard against my chest that it hurts, each beat pounding against me. Somewhere in the distance, I hear Rue scream._

That is when I wake up, sweat dripping from me. It is hot and stuffy, so I wriggle my legs to circulate some air. I sit up, breathing heavily. As I am so lost in my own predicament, it takes me a moment to realize something is wrong. Peeta is not lying beside me. I don't know how to feel about this. On the one hand, being near Peeta wouldn't be useful right now, because he would scare me. I know it was not him in the dream, but the way I'd seen him, it had horrified me. But on the other hand, I know, that if he was here, I'd be able to snuggle up to him, listen to his heart breath, watch his chest rise and fall as he breathed and I know I'd feel safe again in an instant. I could even wake him up and ask him to comfort me, if I was selfish enough. Suddenly, I miss Peeta. More than I miss my mother, Gale, even Prim and that scares me.

After taking a moment to dwell on my feelings for Peeta, the memory of his promise surfaces. He had promised me he'd stay, and that he'd be here in the morning. The fact that Peeta broke a promise to me leaves me heartbroken. I sit in my bed, not sure what to do. I must sit there for an hour, just thinking, trying to convince myself that where I am is reality. I feel weak. The first time in months I open up to someone and it blows up in my face. I wish Peeta had never come by yesterday, but I know I don't mean it. Peeta has got in under my skin. I've let him too far in, now there's no letting him out, no matter how much I want to. I wonder why he would leave me, but I stop, because the assumptions I come to scare me. In frustration, I throw the bed sheets off me and rush to the bathroom. I turn on the shower and jump into to the ice-cold water, which immediately wakes me up. I stand under the water until I am covered in goose bumps and shivering violently. Finally, I shut off the water and step out of the shower, covering myself with a towel.

After drying and clothing myself, I go downstairs to the kitchen and sit in my usual chair by the fire, which is now just dying embers. I watch the embers glow orange as they try desperately to stay alive, but it is hopeless. Slowly, they burn out, one by one, black soot swirling around them as they do so. The embers remind me of Peeta because they are his favourite colour, so I stop looking at them. I have no idea what to do. I don't know how to feel. All I know, is I refuse to slip back into old habits. So I get up out of my chair, the legs screeching against the tile floor. I leave the kitchen and slam the door behind me, aware of the noise I am making. As I leave the house, I look up to the sky and realize it is only dawn. The sky is a gentle cyan and the birds are singing the dawn song. I storm across my garden, trying to ignore the primroses Peeta planted in honour of my late sister.

I open and close the gate and make my way to Peeta's house. The walk only takes a minute as he lives next door and I travel at a fast pace. I don't bother to knock, but instead slam the door open, almost falling open when I realize it was unlocked. I stumble onto his porch and take in the surroundings. The kitchen is empty, so I pass through it without a second glance. "Peeta?" I shout out, my voice echoing around the house due to the volume. "Peeta!" I call again, not caring who else I wake up in the process. I check every room downstairs and do not find him, so I fly up the stairs, slamming my foot on every step on the way. I check his bedroom first and find him, leaning against his bed. My beautiful angel. He is staring at me, shocked. He opens his mouth to explain, but I don't let him.

Instead, I cross the room in an instant, swing with all my might and slap him hard across the face. His head recoils and he winces in pain. My hand is stinging, so I can't imagine how his face feels. Before he can speak, I fly into a blistering rage. "How could you!" I rage, pointing my finger at him. "You promised. You _promised _me you'd stay with me. I woke up from a nightmare and you weren't there. You gave me hope, then you broke it. I was alone for months, then I finally open up to someone. To you. And you just go and break it like it didn't mean a thing!" My saliva is flying as I scream like an angry bird, but I don't care. All I care about is hurting his feelings as much as he hurt mine. I cannot be weak anymore. "I hate what you've done to me. After everything, I never thought you'd be the one to do this to me, Peeta. You spend years trying to convince me you love me, and then you go and pull a stunt like this? How dare you!" I feel my breath shallow in my chest, so I finish. "And to think I let you in, just so you could tear me apart from the inside out." I say deadly, walking out of the room without a backward glance.

"Katniss!" I hear Peeta call after me, begging for a chance to explain, but I ignore him. I wonder if he will chase me, then I decide I don't care. In a blind rage, I mess up his kitchen, smashing pots and throwing furniture around. Anything to express the frustration I feel exploding in me. Nothing has made me this mad in months and it scares me. I wonder why Peeta has come downstairs to stop me, as he can obviously hear the destruction I am causing. All the thinking hurts my head and eventually, I fall to the floor in tears. I close my eyes and curl up in to a ball, the tiled floor cold against my side. I lay there for hours, but I hear Peeta make no attempt to move. This angers me even more, so I just pretend I am at home, since out houses are practically identical anyway. Suddenly, I hear the clinking of metal and footsteps. I listen to Peeta descending the stairs and catch my breath. My heart is in my mouth as I fear for his reaction. I pretend to be asleep as he enters the kitchen. I sense him stand in the doorway for a moment, then hear him cross the room, ignoring the devastation I have left. I feel his arms curl underneath me and pick me up slightly. I am scared he is going to hurt me, then I scold myself for even thinking such a thing, because deep down, past all the anger I am feeling, I know he loves me.

I feel Peeta lay down beside me and pull me into him. My mind screams at me to pull away and run, but my heart longs for him. And I think he knows that. So I let him. My body is limp and he puts his arms around me. He pressed his lips gently into the back of my head and I feel his warm breath on my scalp, sending shivers down my spine. I feel his toes touch mine as he intertwines our feet, tangling us together. I wonder what is going through his head, until finally I fall asleep in his arms, for the second time in two days.


	3. Breaking Point

I wake up, but I do not open my eyes. Spending seventeen years in District 12, surviving the Hunger Games twice and leading the rebellion which destroyed the Capitol's hold on Panem has taught me to function well with only four senses. Besides, if I keep my eyes close, I cannot see the horror of the destruction I have caused to the one I love the most. Instead, I get to see the deep blackness surround me, where everything is empty and nothing can hurt me. Where I can't hurt anything or anyone around me. I don't trust myself anymore, because I'm not sure what I'm capable of. I always knew I was strong, and I had fire, but I had never let it get as out of control as it did earlier today. I assume it is midday, since I can feel the warmth of the sun on my shoulder and I sense the room is quite light. That means I have only slept for a few hours. I feel groggy. I am scared to see him, to see the look in his eyes. To see him judging me and to watch him realize I am not who he thought I was. I know that after this, there is no going back for me and Peeta. He will never love me like he used to. I'm just too complicated. I can't help it and I don't blame him for giving up on me. Because that is what he will do. That is what anyone would do. That is what everyone has done.

I fight hard to silence my mind so I can listen. Everything is silent, until I focus. I hear Peeta's steady breath beside me, inhaling and exhaling too fast for him to be asleep. I know he is awake, but I feel him next to me. I realize that it was not the sun's warmth on my shoulders, but his, as I feel his arms twitch around me. I lay still as a statue, not knowing what to do. My body must have tensed up, because Peeta soon realizes I am awake. "Katniss?" he asks tentatively, his voice like velvet, cutting through the air and into my ear, where it calms me. "Yes?" I respond, my eyes still closed, waiting on tenderhooks to hear how he will react. He exhales sharply and pulls me further into him, spinning me over to face him. But I still don't open my eyes. I refuse to. I squeeze them shut tightly. I know that I can't let him in again. It's bad for both of us. I've hurt him and he's hurt me. "Katniss, open your eyes." Peeta asks me, but I shake my head. "Please?" he begs, his fingers brushing against my arms. When I make no movement, I feel his fingers move from my arm to my face, tracing circles on my cheeks and brushing gently across my face. I try hard to fight against the urge to open my eyes, but I realize I cannot deny him anything I don't have to. It tickles and I can't suppress the smile that forms. I slowly open my eyes, taking in his face, which is inches from mine. He is smiling back at me, his beautiful face filling my vision. It takes all my strength not to reach up, wrap my arms around his neck, pull his face into mine and kiss him.

I lie underneath him, waiting for him to begin. I have the utmost faith that Peeta will know what to say. Peeta always knows what to say. He will clean up this mess I got us both in to. He has got us out of stickier situations. His careful words have saved not only my own life, but the lives of thousands. Most of the rebels that are still standing are because of Peeta's words. I know he will be honest with me, because I deserve the truth and he is not afraid to give it to me. "Can I talk?" Peeta asks me, his bright blue eyes locked on my dull grey ones, unblinking. "Considering you said everything you wanted to earlier..." He chuckles and I don't know whether to hit him hard across the face or kiss him hard on the lips. Instead, I opt for neither. I just nod my head, signalling for him to begin. He inhales and tells me, "I had another episode."

I feel like the floor has been pulled from underneath me and I am falling into an endless pit of eternal darkness. The seriousness of Peeta words sink in, creeping underneath my skin, making me feel uncomfortable in my own body. I know he is still there, because I can feel him against me, but I pull him into me, wrapping my arms around him tightly. I won't let him go anywhere. I can't lose him. I won't let anyone take him away from me, because he is all I have left. After everything, he is the only one who stayed. I feel him pick me up off the floor and into his arms. I am sat on his lap, my legs either side of his torso. We hold each other, our forehead's pressed together. I feel wetness on my cheek and realize I am crying. "Shhh," Peeta coos, wiping away my tears with his gentle fingertips. "I'm sorry." I whisper, through harsh sobs. "I'm so sorry Peeta, I should've realized. I should've been there. Peeta, I'm so sorry. Peeta, please forgive me?" Words are falling out of my mouth and I can't stop myself, until he kisses me, silencing my babbling.

The kiss is wet as tears still fall down my cheek, but Peeta evidently doesn't mind. When his lips finally pull away from mine, he keeps his head next to mine and I hug him tightly. "It's okay." He assures me, but I don't believe him. "It's not okay, Peeta. Nothing is okay." Peeta tilts his head to the side, looking at me. "Maybe not, but at least we have each other. Now c'mon, we can't stay like this forever." He made to get up, but I wrapped my arms around his neck. He carried on getting up anyway, holding me in his arms. I was surprised by his strength, but Peeta just laughed. "Do you want to help me clean up, or do you have something else on your agenda?" I jump out of his arms, landing on my feet and start picking up the pieces of broken pot. He bends down and helps me clean the floor. "I'm sorry about all this." I say, my eyes on the floor. "I understand," Peeta tells me, chucking the ceramic in the bin with a clang. After this short exchange, we focus on cleaning, which doesn't take us long at all. My mind is miles away anyway. I am thinking about what Peeta said, about us having nothing but each other. I realize that he is all I need, and this scares me. I have put Peeta before my own survival, something I have never done before.

Peeta sits down beside me, waking me out of my trance. He says nothing, just taking my hand in his own, rubbing soothing circles in the back of my palm. Whilst it does calm me, I can't help but blurt out, "You can't fix me." I feel him tense up momentarily and the circling on the back of my hands stops. I miss it and long for it as soon as it ceases. But I carry on, "I'm too broken. I can't be fixed. Not by you, not by anyone. Not even your bright, deep eyes, your beautiful face, your warmth or your endless love for me can fix me." Peeta exhales sharply, obviously hurt by what I have told him, but I don't regret it. He needs to know the truth. I owe him that. We sit there in silence, hand-in-hand, in mutual suffering. After what feels like hours, Peeta speaks, "I'm not trying to fix you." He tells me, but I don't understand. For the first time, I look at him. He turns his head to look back at me. "Then what are you doing?" I ask him, wondering why he has stayed with me for this long. "I'm trying to get you to admit that you're in love with me."

A million questions go buzzing through my head and I'm not sure how to respond. "Why?" I ask him eventually, trying to hold back tears. I'm not even sure why they're forming. "Because I'm not sure I can stand another day of being unsure of how you feel. I need you too, you know?" My mind is finding it an almost impossible feat to process what he is saying to me. I need to get away. I make to get up, but Peeta grabs my arm and pulls me back down. Instinctively, I kiss him, my hands running all over his body. He kisses me back, but I can sense he isn't as willing as usual. In a fit of passion, I go to unbuckle his belt, but his hand swiftly stops me. "No." He says, and I feel the shame fill me up. I hang my head, but I feel his hand under my chin, pulling it up so I'm face to face with him. "I can't have sex with you until I know you love me. Maybe you just need some time to figure out how you feel Katniss."

I feel the anger bubble up inside of me, as I jump to my feet, stepping back from him. He uses the wall behind him to clamber up. "I don't need time, I just need you!" I shout at him, my arms arched behind my back threateningly. "Then why can't you just admit that you love me?" Peeta asks, his voice unnaturally loud. The tears spill over and I start hyperventilating, unable to handle all the stress today has brought upon me. "I can't." I tell him. And that is the truth. I have spent all my life losing the ones I love. My father dying in the mine, my mother going into depression, my sister, Gale. I can't lose Peeta, and I know that if I admit that I am in love with him, I will eventually lose him too. I just want to stay in this inbetween state, where I can keep him forever. But that is impossible, because nobody can spend the rest of their lives in an inbetween. People move on as they grow. I can't have Peeta move on, because I have let him in so far and I need him so much. The final thing I need to do is admit to myself that I love him. I can just about to it in my mind, but I am not strong enough to form the words aloud. Peeta stands against the wall, staring at me, waiting for me to elaborate. We've pushed each other to breaking point.


	4. Confession

I look at him, stood against the back wall of his kitchen, his eyes staring at me questioningly. I take in his form, his muscular frame, his beautiful blonde hair and bright blue eyes. I look him up and down, as if it will be the last time I will ever see him. I'm scared it might be, although I'm sure the fear is irrational, because I know, deep down, both of us will fight through anything if it means we can be together. I see the glimmer in Peeta's deep blue eyes slowly fading as I am unable to give him an answer as to whether I love him and I feel my heart plummet. I wish I was able to tell him, but I can't. I can't let myself be that vulnerable with someone. I can't admit it to myself, let alone someone else. I just stand there frozen, unsure of what to do. We stand in silence, staring at each other. Every moment I waste, I am slowly losing him. I can't allow that to happen, but I can't take the final step by admitting what I feel for him. I have to be sure of my feelings first, and I'm not. I've never been one for emotions, but that was before I met Peeta. He has made me so confused about what I feel for him, it frustrates me. Peeta has made me feel things I never imaged I'd feel, ever. I see it in his eyes; he's slowly giving up on me.

Suddenly, the front door slams open and Haymitch stumbles in, drunk, as usual. He brings a stench of stale alcohol in with him and I shrivel my nose. Peeta jumps from the interruption, his eyes moving from mine to Haymitch. Drunk, Haymitch slowly scans the room with his bloodshot eyes, until he finds Peeta. He goes to walk towards him, until he sense me. Haymitch turns his head to look at me, clearly shocked that I am out of my chair. "Well, would you look at that?" Haymitch chuckles, evidently amused by my recovery. "I was beginning to think she'd be a vegetable forever." Haymitch taunted me for my weakness and I felt the anger boiling in the pit of my stomach. I searched the kitchen desktop for something to throw at him, but was put off by the sound of Peeta's voice, which was uncharacteristically threatening. "Don't call her that." Peeta warned Haymitch, in a tone I'd never heard him use before, even during both our times in the Hunger Games. I shook the painful memories from my head and focused on the scene in front of me.

"Of course..." Haymitch said, as if he'd only just realized Peeta was there, "You're in love with her. How's that coming along?" Haymitch held Peeta's gaze, making him feel two inches tall, until Peeta jutted his jaw out and looked down, as Haymitch looked at me and back to Peeta slowly. "That's what I thought," Haymitch said, obviously enjoying himself. Sure, he was our mentor and we had grown close to him, but he had only ever really cared about our survival, not our feelings. I felt a certain admiration towards Haymitch for that, being able to freeze his emotions out of his actions. I wish I could be like him, and I was trying, but it was so difficult. My emotions were so intense, especially around Peeta, it was practically impossible to ignore them. Even now, I felt a multitude of emotions in my heart and it made me feel ill. Nothing was clear and I couldn't concentrate. Was this what being in love felt like?

Haymitch settled himself down at the wooden table in the centre of the kitchen, put his bare, dirty feet up on it as he leant back in his chair. "Well, I've got some bad news for the pair of you." Haymitch began, not looking at either of us. I waiting in silence for him to elaborate, glancing at Peeta, who clearly had no idea either. "Gale's coming back. To District 12." I could hear Haymitch's voice carry on with what was evidently an explanation, but I had tuned out. As if I wasn't feeling confused and angry enough, why did this have to happen to me? I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. I knew I wouldn't be strong enough to see him. I wish he wouldn't come here, but I knew there was nothing I could do. I had to get away. So I ran. Out of the kitchen, out of Peeta's garden and towards the forest as fast as I could. I heard Peeta call after me as I left his house, but I ignored him. I made it to the District border and climbed through the fence without having to check if it was still buzzing. My mind was running faster than my legs. It took me no time at all to reach our rock, where I collapsed, the breath in my lungs cold, hurting my mouth. I lay very still on the rock for an unmeasureable amount of time, with my eyes closed; imagining Gale was sat with me. All the things I would say to him were he here. I started to have a conversation with myself, even speaking Gale's parts, then I realized I truly was mad.

Leaving the rock, I searched the forest for my bow and arrows, and went off hunting. I wasn't nearly focused enough and I hadn't hunted for months, so I missed quite a lot and when I did hit, it was never through the eye, like Peeta had once complimented me for. I blocked the memory out as I picked up the bird I had just shot and added it to my game bag. As the sun slowly started to set, I decided to make my way to the Hob and sell my haul. As I walked in, there were hushed chatters and Greasy Sae waddled up to greet me, a huge grin on her face. She took my game bag, placing more than usual coins in my hands, probably to compensate for my extended absence. She was happy to see me and made plenty of small talk to keep me chatting until others felt comfortable enough to come on over and converse with me. I chatted to everyone as they congratulated me on the rebellion and told me how proud of me they were, how happy they were to see me up and about again. I didn't deserve any of it, but I smiled and nodded along anyway. I hated what the Capitol had made me.

All of a sudden, Rory, Gale's younger brother, came up to me, tugging on my shirt. He had brought a haul of his own, almost matching the quantity and quality of mine, although it was on a bad day. I was slightly impressed and offered him a warm smile, to help him feel welcomed here. I knew how intimidating the Hob could be for newcomers. Me and Rory got chatting and I agreed to give him hunting lessons to help him improve his skills. He seemed glad; as he told me how lonely he was since Gale had left for District 2. I tensed up at the mention of his name, but Rory didn't notice anything. It wasn't until Greasy Sae came over and forcibly changed the subject that he seemed to catch on. Suddenly, I didn't feel like being in the Hob anymore, so I left the Hob and made my way back home. As I was about to enter my garden, I smelt an unfamiliar smell.

Peeta was baking. I turned back the way I came and instead, entered his house. "You're baking?" I asked as I stepped into the threshold of his kitchen. Peeta was kneading dough on a board, his hands and arms covered in flour. I marvelled over his muscular arms, tracing the veins with my eyes. I had never realized just how attractive he was. Peeta was concentrating on his work, his expression hard. There was sweat on his forehead and I began to feel like I was intruding. He still hadn't said anything to me, which hurt me, so I considering turning around and leaving. Just as I was about to, he spoke. "Yes." Peeta answered simply, turning his back to me and placing the dough in the oven. I thought he was going to stop and speak to me, but instead, he just started on the next batch, ignoring me. I knew he was angry with me, but I wasn't exactly sure why. "Are you mad at me?" I asked him, taking a step towards me. Peeta shook his head, but otherwise carried on with his work. I waited for him to elaborate, but he didn't. "Peeta?" I asked him, but he continued to ignore me. "Peeta!" I said a little louder and I noticed him flinch, but still, he acted as if I didn't exist. "Why are you doing this!" I shouted, desperately craving those arms around me, which flexed as they worked more aggressively on the dough.

"Because I can't bear to lose you!" Peeta shouted, throwing the dough against the kitchen side, flour erupting into the air and falling in dust around us. His eyes locked with mine and I saw how upset he was. He was breathing heavily and his expression was broken. It pained me to see him like this. Peeta was usually such a happy and positive person, he looked different when he didn't have a smile on his face. And not a good different. "Lose me?" I repeated dumbly, unsure of what he meant. But Peeta just shook his head, picking up the dough and getting back to work. "What do you mean, lose me?" I asked Peeta, determined to get an answer out of him. When he didn't answer me, I walked across the kitchen towards him, speaking as I went, "What do you mean, lose me, Peeta?" I asked, frustrated, but as I got behind him, Peeta swung around and grabbed the sides of my face in his floury hands and kissed me passionately on my parted lips, his sweet breath filling my mouth. I didn't know how to react, but my body did for me. I found myself kissing him back and allowing him entry when I felt his tongue against my lips. I felt his tongue against mine and there was a brief battle for dominance before I folded. Peeta's passion was unmatchable. I felt hot, like I was on fire. I had never been kissed like this before. All I could think about was him, nothing else. It was the most intense thing I'd ever experienced and my heart swelled to the point where it felt like it was going to explode. I felt Peeta pulling away, so I pushed him against the work surface and wrapped myself around him, keeping him there, still kissing him. I ran my hands through his hair in a fit of passion and I felt his hands slide down from my face to my legs, where he picked me up and I wrapped myself around his waist. I pulled away, gasping for breath, but Peeta still held me, kissing my chin, jaw and neck. He planted kisses all over me, leaving hot marks all over my skin, a burning desire that couldn't be quenched.

Peeta held me up against a wall and I had my hands on his face, tracing his defined jawline. I had never wanted him more than right now. Just as my desire reached its peak, Peeta released his arms and I dropped to the floor, landing cat-like on my feet, in front of him. "I'm sorry, I just had to do that once." He told me, turning to go. "I'm not." I admitted, unsure why the words had even came out of my mouth. He froze, his ears pricking up. "You will be, when Gale comes home." Peeta said, still facing away from me. His words cut me like a knife, as I never thought I'd hear him use Gale's name in front of me again. For the second time today, I felt horrifying anger. "No I won't!" I defied him, pulling him by the shoulder to turn around and face me. "Yes you will, Katniss. You love him." He undermined me, which frustrated me, acting as if he knew me better than I knew myself. Which wasn't very well at all, but still. "No I don't!" I shouted, frustrated at Peeta for saying these things. "Maybe I did at one point, but that's in the past. I could never love him, not after..." I choked up, unable to continue. Peeta looked at me, obviously feeling guilty for bringing Prim up. But I didn't blame him. "I'm not sure you'll be able to love anyone..." Peeta thought aloud, his expression vacant, as if he weren't talking to me. "You're wrong." I told him, surely. "I am?" He asked, his eyes mocking shock. "Well, who do you love, Katniss? Because you say it's not Gale and it _certainly _isn't me..."

I couldn't bear to listen anymore, so I acted on impulse, not really thinking about it. "It is you!" I shouted, unable to stop myself. "I couldn't admit it to myself, because I've never let myself be this vulnerable with anyone before. Whenever I let someone in they always hurt me and leave. I couldn't have you leaving me, I need you too much. I love you, Peeta Mellark. I'm sorry it took so long for me to tell you and I'm sorry I made you doubt yourself. I'm sorry for everything I've done to you, because quite frankly you deserve better than me. I'm just a messed up, broken, confused young girl who doesn't know what she wants. You deserve a warm woman who can give you a family and be a doting wife, but that's not me. All I can do is love you, and hope that's enough to make you stay. I don't know what I'd do without you anymore."


	5. Passion

Peeta stood watching me as I poured my heart out to him. When I had finished, he stood still for a moment, evidently dazed by my words. I wondered how he would react. I was scared he would leave me, more scared than I'd ever been in my entire life. I watched him, waiting for him to do something. Anything. His face unreadable, his eyebrows pulled together, his eyes hard. I watched his large chest rise and fall as he was breathing slowly, observing the shape. It made a rhythm that I followed, needing some sort of measurement of time. The few moments he stood still felt like an eternity, because it was in this short period of time that I was most vulnerable. He had the power to reject me, to break me back down to the "vegetable" I used to be, to use Haymitch's words. Two breaths later, he finally moved.

He closed the space between us in two short steps and took me in his arms and I immediately felt safe. He lifted my chin and kissed me hard on the lips. The kiss took me by surprise and literally took my breath away, but I kissed him back regardless, elated that _this _was his reaction. His lips brushed against mine gently, but with passion, making me wonder how he could do such things to me so easily. My hands were limp by my side because I was so surprised by my reaction. I felt his hands creep around me, sliding down my body to grab my hands in his, fanning out our fingers and then intertwining them. I squeezed his fingers in a fit of passion and felt him squeeze my fingers back. I smiled into the kiss and felt his lips form a smile back. I opened my eyes, unaware that I'd ever closed them and stared into his eyes, deeper and bluer than the ocean. His eyes were sparkling, like some hidden emotion that had always been in there had finally come to the forefront. I saw his smile and my heart melted.

My walls crashed down around me, sending an earthquake of overwhelming emotion throughout my core, shaking my bones and I knew. This was the end. There was no fight left in me where Peeta was concerned. I couldn't struggle to keep him away anymore, it was too late. That wasn't what I wanted. This is what I wanted. Now, tomorrow, forever, always. My eyes dropped from his gaze down to his lips, which were still pulled up into a breathtaking smile and I planted a kiss on them. "You have _no idea _how long I've waited for this." Peeta whispered, his voice sending chills down my spine, making the hairs on the back of my neck stick up, endorphins rushing through my body. "Am I worth the wait?" I asked, smiling and breathless. Peeta looked at me for a moment, then lifted our intertwined hands between our faces, rotating them slowly. The setting sun was shining on our hands, painting them a soft burnt orange colour. Peeta's favourite colour. I watched his face as he concentrated on our hands. He concentrated on our hands, then suddenly he seemed satisfied as his face broke out into a heartwarming beam. He leaned in and kissed the back of my hand.

Such a simple touch sent a rush of desire through me. I wanted nothing more than to grab him and rip his clothes off. I always tried to suppress thoughts like this. When we were in the arena, I would have these kinds of thoughts about Peeta and even sometimes about Gale, but I just summed it up to my hormones. But this was different, I could feel it. My passion was boiling inside of me, just as intense as my anger. I knew I was an intense person, but even I'd never felt anything like this before. I wanted him so much. I needed him. I had to make him mine. Peeta levelled out again and whispered again, "Yes." He told me gently and my heart soared. Before I could stop myself I blurted out, "Make love to me."

My words took Peeta by surprise as his hands went limp around mine and he brought them up to either side of my shoulders, holding me steady. He took a step back and cocked his head to the side, almost as if he were assessing me. He slowly looked me up and down and I suddenly felt self conscious. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said-"

He silenced me as his lips were on mine and he wrapped his left arm around the back of my legs, pulling them back so I collapsed into his arms. He scooped me up into his body, his lips still on mine. I felt blissful as he almost ran out of the kitchen and up the stairs, to his bedroom. He didn't stumble once and it really was a testament to Peeta's strength, being able to carry me for the long, whilst kissing me at the same time. He must know his house well, because he was careful not to hurt me. Once we got into his bedroom, he used one arm to close the door behind him and I ran my arm along it. I flung my arms around his neck, kissing him into oblivion. He pressed me against the wall, my legs wrapped around his waist. I ran my hands through his hair, ruffling it up, needing him closer. His scent filled my nose and he was all I could smell. I could hear his quick breaths as excitement took over him and feel him all over me, leaving burning desire wherever he touched me and a harsh longing whenever contact left my skin. He was all I could see, busying himself, his hands all over my body, his face in my vision, his beautiful skin, his eyes, his nose, his hair, everything was perfect.

We stayed there like that for what felt like hours, just kissing each other, but the passion never faded or subsided. My senses felt heighted and I knew I would never be able to get enough of him. I didn't want this night to end. If anything, my want for him grew. It heightened so much, it hurt. Just as it got unbearable, Peeta's lips moved to my neck and I groaned out, "Peeta, please..." I didn't have to elaborate; he knew what I was begging for. He pulled me away from the wall and stood over his bed, still kissing him as he dropped me on to it. I sat up and pulled him on top of me, balancing his weight either side of me, like a true gentleman. He slowly lowered himself on top of me, so I could feel his body pressed against mine. I ran my hands down his body and began tugging at his shirt, until he pulled it off. Whilst he leant back to take his pants off, I pulled my shirt off. Now Peeta was only in a pair of black boxers, a look which suited him, in my opinion. I wriggled out of my jeans and discarded them to the floor.

Now we were only in our underwear, staring awkwardly at each other. I didn't want this to happen. I didn't want things to be awkward, but at the end of the day, we were two seventeen year old virgins, so it was bound to happen. It was silent for a moment, then Peeta broke the silence, asking me a question, "Katniss," his voice hovered over my name and made my chest flutter. "Are you sure about this?" I didn't want him to give up on us now, so I reached behind my back and unclasped my bra, having the pleasure of watching Peeta's eyes look like they were about to explode out of his head as my bra fell to the floor, my breasts free. Peeta stood frozen, so I reached out for his, boxers and began to tug them down. He sprung to life again and stepped out of his boxers, before he leant over me, completely naked and began to pull down my underwear. I slipped out of them gently and watched him as he marvelled over my body. I no longer felt self-conscious. I was beautiful to him; I could see it in his eyes.

I clambered under the bed covers and Peeta joined me. We lay there kissing for a few more minutes and everything felt perfect. We were in no rush, because I knew this would be perfect no matter what approach we took. As we were kissing, I brushed my leg against his and felt his hardened length press against me. It wasn't until then that I realized just how much he wanted this. Peeta seemed embarrassed, as he pulled away from me and blushed. "Sorry." He whispered. He began to roll away and I pulled him back. "Peeta," I chuckled. "Don't be silly." I ran my hand down his body and felt him stiffen as my hand reached his member. He looked at me, shocked and I smiled. He rolled on top of me, smiling and kissed me again. Surely Peeta could feel how much I wanted this? I knew he was teasing me, so I told him, "I'm ready."

"I know, Katniss." He positioned himself appropriately over me, then pressed slowly inside of me. I wasn't sure what to expect, but the first thing I experience was pain. I winced and Peeta immediately stopped. "Katniss?" he asked urgently, but I shook my head. "I'm fine; it just takes a bit of adjusting. You're large." I said, truthfully. I had nothing to compare to, but feeling Peeta inside of me was taking some time to adjust to. "Are you sure?" Peeta asked me and I nodded, my eyes locked on his, the passion burning in both of our eyes urging the other to continue. He nodded, keeping his eyes on mine as he pressed further into me and I felt my hymen break. The pain was joined by pleasure as I felt Peeta fully inside me and I grabbed onto his back, my hands clawing down him, my nails scratching his skin.

Peeta began to thrust slowly and gently inside of me and I moaned loudly. The pain was slowly ebbing away and being replaced by indescribable pleasure. Waves of emotion washed over me with each thrust and I found it hard to believe this was really happening. Peeta kissed me as he thrust inside of me and I clung on to him for dear life. This felt so right, so natural. I couldn't believe we had waited so long for this, but I suppose that it was made it so much better. It felt like the climax of our relationship, he was finally _mine_. And I was his. There was no way I was letting him go now. As Peeta thrust inside of me, I began to match his rhythm, pushing my body against his, my pleasure doubling as I did so. I saw Peeta's eyes roll into the back of his head as he pulled away from the kiss and that only spurred me on further.

I could feel Peeta edging away from me as he reach his climax. His feet were against mine and I could feel his toes curling. The pleasure was washing over me and I knew neither would last much longer. We were both breathless, moaning out each other's names, whispering, kissing, holding on to each other as we made love. He was pushing me further and further over the edge and I couldn't hold on any longer, so I let go. I felt Peeta explode inside of me and watched him ride out his orgasm whilst experiencing my own. It was like nothing I'd ever felt before. I could feel him, warm inside of me, his sweaty body pressed against mine and everything felt perfect. I moaned his name out so loud I wouldn't be surprised if half the district heard. His face contorted in pleasure and I pressed mine against his, needing him as close as possible. I felt his body tense up, then finally relax.

I relaxed against him and he lay inside me as we recovered. I listened to his heartbeat slowing up and his breathing returning back to normal. We stayed very still and when Peeta when to pull out of me, I clenched on to him. "Stay?" I asked, and he looked at me bewildered for a moment, before nodding. He kissed me on the lips, the collapsed next on top of me, but he was not heavy. I felt his skin on mine, and I knew I never wanted to let him go. I kissed him on the side of the cheek, then fell asleep in his arms. Everything felt right, and I knew no matter what hardships would come to face us in the future, I would fight tooth and nail to keep The Boy with the Bread. He was mine and I was his.


	6. Epiphany

Sunlight fluttered in to Peeta's bedroom through the closed curtain, which indicated it was a very bright day outside. I could feel the sunlight on my skin and see it even behind my closed eyes. I opened my eyes and saw the bright light hit the pillow next to my head. But my head was not leaning on a pillow. I was nestled into Peeta's chest and his arms were locked around me, tight enough to make me feel safe but not so tight that I felt constricted. The perfect amount. I looked up and saw Peeta's eyes were closed. His blond eyelashes glistened in the sunlight. I listened to his slow, deep breathing and the soft thump of his heartbeat and deduced that he was still asleep. My arms were wrapped around him, one on his back and on his chest. I could feel every heartbeat of his thump through my hand and into the entirety of my body, making me feel completely connected to him.

As I lay there listening to the steady thump of his heartbeat, I realized I had never relied on anyone as much as I now relied on Peeta. I knew I needed him. Just as much as I needed air to breathe, sleep to function and food to eat; I needed Peeta to love and to love me back. I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle losing him. I started thinking about what might happen if I lost Peeta and my body tensed up as a physical response to the dark thoughts. My body clenched, I started to curl up as a defensive mechanism from my own dark, manic thoughts. It was useless. I was slipping away. I could feel my spirit ebbing away as my own thoughts consumed me. I was desperately clinging onto my knees, trying to keep a grip on reality, but I couldn't. I tried to concentrate on the fact that Peeta was right beside me, he was fine, he was here.

I didn't want to wake him, I was too proud for that. So I suffered in silence. I started to shake violently and tears spilt over my eyelids and down my cheeks, dripping down onto the bed sheets, dampening them. I let out a gasp and a sob, quietly, trying my best to stay in control. I couldn't see what was in front of me anymore, all I could see were violent images of Peeta leaving me, him dying in the arena, telling me he didn't want me anymore. Peeta abandoned me over and over again in my head, so when I felt his arms slide around me, I lashed out and screamed. "Katniss!" Peeta said, alarmed at my reaction but immediately realizing there was something wrong. I tried to wriggle out of the bed but he grabbed me and pulled me into him, locking his arms around me. I writhed and screamed, scratching and biting him but he refused to let me go. Over my heavy sobs I could hear Peeta comforting me, whispering words in my ear. "I'm here. Shh, I'm not going anywhere. I won't leave you. I love you Katniss, shhh."

Peeta's comforting words broke through the darkness of my swirling thoughts and gave me an anchor to reality. I felt one of his arms move from around my waist to run his fingers through my hair, weaving his hand gently around my head, caressing me, soothing my soul. The beastly rage inside of me slowly died down to embers and I lay there, shivering and crying, ashamed at what I had done to Peeta, emotionally and physically. I looked down at his remaining arm which was wrapped around me as a restraint. It was covered in bloody scratches and bite marks, flushed and red where I had drew blood to the surface of his warm skin. I ran my fingers gently down his arm, but still heard the sharp intake of breath as my fingertips brushed over his fresh wounds. I rolled over in his grasp and he only just allowed me to do so. Looking him dead in the eye, I whispered through tears, "Peeta, I'm so sorry."

He simply shook his head and removed his arm from around me, deeming me sane enough to control my own actions... for now at least. "Let's get you cleaned up." Peeta told me, clambering out of bed. He stood watching me for a moment, obviously waiting for me to join him, but once it became evident that I didn't have to motivation to move, Peeta bent his arms underneath me and scooped me up in them. He carried me to his bathroom and placed me down on the toilet seat whilst he started running a bath. I watched him with interest as he added oils to the bath, antiseptic for the cuts and bites I had given myself in my blind fit of rage. He whirled around the bathroom, disrupting the steam that was erupting from the hot tap as it swirled around in the air, clearing my nostrils and allowing me to breathe easy.

I never got over how beneficial a hot bath could be, no matter how many times I had one. Sitting in the bathroom calmed me down enough to realize that Peeta and I were still both naked, from the night before. For the second time that day, memories washed over me, only these ones were real; I was sure of it. I smiled to myself as I relived every moment I had shared with Peeta last night. I snapped out of my daydream and watched Peeta at work, marvelling over his body as he did so. Finally, he turned the tap of and the quiet whistle of the boiler died away, leaving only silence. Peeta stared at me for a moment as I hesitated. I stood up from the toilet seat and dipped my feet into the bath. "Is it too hot?" he asked me, watching me. "No, it's perfect." I smiled at him, lowering the rest of my body gently into the bath.

Peeta nodded gently, more to himself than me, his eyes gazing at nothing in particular. Worried that he was about to have another episode, I reached out with my wet had and gripped his hand. His eyes steadily refocused on me and I smiled at him. "Join me?" I asked him sweetly. He considered this for a moment. "I think it's best I leave you for a bit." He said, turning to leave. "Please," I said, gripping tightly on to his hand. "Stay." He stood, frozen to the spot and I knew he wouldn't be able to leave. He was bound just as tightly to me as I was to him. So he turned around and stepped into the bath, which was easily large enough for the both of us, considering this was Victor's Village. Even now, we could not escape the Games. Peeta slid in behind me and the water level rose even higher, which was welcoming. I turned to face Peeta, my legs under his. "Thank you." I smiled at him. He simply smiled back and kissed me.

I took his hands in mine under the water and played with his fingertips. I tickled him and he laughed, worming around, splashing water around, making me laugh too. Peeta writhed particularly violently and splashed water all across my face. I stopped, momentarily shocked, before splashing Peeta with water back, wetting his blond hair. Soon, a full scale water fight broke out. Peeta and I were splashing water at each other, giggling, laughing, and gasping for breath. When we finally stopped, Peeta looked at me, the water rippling around his body where he was breathing heavily. Suddenly, he kissed me and his lips were on mine. I could distantly hear the water washing around us, the noise soothing as I felt his hot lips on mine. My hands gripped at his wet body, his muscles clenching under my hold. I smiled into the kiss and he pulled me into him, our naked bodies touching. It was tender. He gently pushed my wet hair out of my face his eyes examining mine before kissing me again, my hands in his wet hair, droplets of water flying all around the room.

He stood up, water dripping down his beautiful body and I stood up beside him, kissing him again as he pulled me out of the bath and wrapped a warm towel around us both. He rubbed the wetness of my body with the towel as he held me and I felt better. I knew he was with me now and I could finally think rationally. Once we were dry, he drained the bath and we got dressed. We went downstairs into his kitchen and he began to make tea, before asking me to sit at the table. He tone implied he had something important to tell me. I sat at the wooden table, my fingers drumming on the mahogany because I was nervous, waiting for him to finish making the tea and just get on with what he wanted to say. I couldn't take the suspense. Finally, Peeta sat on the opposite side of the table to him and the distance made me feel uncomfortable. I needed him so much closer.

I reached out with my hand across the table to hold his and he began to rub my hand gently with his fingers. He held my hand in his before he inhaled and began, "Gale returns today." He told me. The news shook me, but I was determined to keep listening, because it was my weakness which allowed me to miss this information the first time around. My face remained expressionless and Peeta seemed confused for a moment, as if he had expected me to be angry about this. He knew me so well. Instead, I kept breathing steady and waited for him to continue. "He wants to talk to you. That's the main reason he's coming back. He's here on business, but he's got a few days off of work to see his family... and you." Peeta finished, evidently annoyed by Gale's presence in our lives again. After all, I had only just recovered from the wounds Gale had left me.

"Katniss, are you okay?" Peeta asked me, clearly concerned, his eyebrow raised. I nodded and he consoled me, "Everything will be alright." All I did was nod again, then I waited for a moment, contemplating what my next course of action would be. I stood up from the table and told him, "I need to go and hunt. I just need to think." I could see the alarm in his eyes as he looked at me, so I patted him on the shoulder and assured him, "I'll be fine, I'll come back. I promise." Then, with a kiss, I grabbed left Peeta's house and returned to mine. I grabbed my bow and arrow and made my way to the forest. Part of me wanted to break down and cry, but I didn't feel like I needed to. I felt like I was strong enough for this. I wasn't going to let Gale ruin my recovery. He was just going to have to accept the fact that I needed more time.

I made it to the forest and sat down on the rock where I usually met with Gale. I looked up at the sky, light blue, with white fluffy clouds floating around happily. Today was a calm day; I wasn't going to let Gale's fire ruin that. That was why when I heard someone breathing beside me, I knew it was him. I turned to face him, just to make sure. Sure enough, Gale was sat beside me, towering over me. It had been so long since I had seen him and I forgotten everything I thought I knew about him. He appeared even taller than ever, his presence demanding my attention, his black hair cropped back, because that was what would be more acceptable in the Capitol. His skin was the same tan colour of mine, his eyes the same shade of gray. The evidence that Gale had grown up in The Seam stayed with him, no matter how much he tried to allude differently. But he wasn't the same Gale I'd grown up with. I suppose the Games had changed us all. "Katnip." Gale addressed me, jokingly. I wasn't really sure how to respond, so I just sat silently, ignoring him.

"Are you going to ignore me forever?" He asked, a hint of irritation in his voice. How dare he be irritated at me? After all, he was the reason Prim wasn't here anymore... I felt a mixture of anger and sadness bubbling in the pit of my stomach, and then I remember my promise that I wouldn't let Gale's fire, _or mine_, ruin the serene atmosphere of today. Today would be a good day; I would make sure of it. "I'm going to try." I replied finally, a smile hinting at my lips. Gale was staring at me, then he huffed, dropping his gaze to the rock beneath our feet. He reached out for my hand, but I pulled myself away, longing for another pair of hands to touch mine. "Katniss, please!" Gale begged. I could see the fire blazing in his eyes and I knew his violent passion was still there. I stood facing him, the space between us more evident than ever.

I stared into his eyes as the passion in there spilled over, resulting in a full scale eruption of raw emotion I would only ever find present in Gale. "No, you have to listen to me." He said, standing up from the rock and walking towards me, grabbing my wrist harshly. I inhaled sharply, then my survival instinct kicked in. I swung for his face, but his training allowed him to easily block my swing. His grip only got tighter, until I could feel him crushing my bones. I knew he didn't mean to, it was his frustration at the situation that was getting him this way. "Ahh!" I cried out in pain, but Gale didn't let go. He was going to force me to listen to him. It took all my strength to hold back the tears as I kept struggling against his grip, resisting his overwhelming force. I would not go down without a fight. I panted in pain, breathless when suddenly I felt something collide with Gale and his hand still wrapped around my wrist caused me to fall to the floor, my wrist sprained.

Immediately, I lifted myself up off of the floor to see Peeta tackle Gale to the ground. I could see Gale was holding nothing back anymore. I could see the hatred in his eyes for Peeta, because he had the one thing Gale wanted; me. They both clambered to get up from the ground, but Gale was faster. He kicked Peeta in the ribs as Peeta was on his way up knocking him back down, winding him. I heard Peeta splutter, the noise making a painful feeling in my chest. Peeta coughed up blood and grabbed Gale's ankle, pulling him over. Gale was a big man, so he fell hard. I watched, frozen as the two men in my life grappled and fought, all I could hear was panting and punches. Peeta shouted profanities at Gale I never would've thought I'd hear him say. I could see how passionate he was to protect me.

"I won't let you take her from me." Peeta told Gale, as he jumped away from him, his hair scuffled from the fight. But Peeta underestimated how far Gale could reach, as he lifted his hand for the final swing which would surely knock Peeta off his feet at the very least. Before I really knew what I was doing, my bow was in my hand and I had loaded it with an arrow, drawing the string back and shooting it as straight, hard and fast as I could into Gale wrist, going straight through and pinning him to the tree, where he couldn't hurt Peeta. Blood squirted out of the wound and Gale shouted out in pain, so I walked up to him and mercilessly pulled the arrow out of his wrist. "Go home Gale, it's over. I don't want to know you anymore."

"I hope you know how sorry I am, Katniss." Gale told me as I walked away. I could hear Peeta was following me as he crunched branches as he walked. Without turning to face him, I said, "Sorry won't bring her back, Gale." I carried on and felt Peeta's hand at my waist as he led me home. He could sense I couldn't handle much more from the day. That is why I loved Peeta. He knew me better than I knew myself. He could sense when I just needed him there. I dread to think what would've happened if he hadn't've turned up. Gale was unpredictable at best. That was when I understood what had bothered me for so long. It was Peeta. It had always been Peeta. Gale was right, when he had said I would pick the one I thought I couldn't survive without. As soon as I realized Peeta was in danger, I was loading the arrow, ready to kill Gale. It took me a moment to hold myself back and realize that no matter what had happened, it was still Gale. If it had been anyone, I was scared to think the lengths I might go to to save Peeta. He was my life now, and that was something I treasured beyond measure. Taking Peeta's hand in my own, we walked home, ready to face whatever more challenges life might throw our way.


	7. Always

**A/N: I just want to so thank you for all of the reviews so far, I really appreciate them! I could honestly write about this ship forever, so if my writing starts declining in quality, just tell me and I'll stop. Things will probably get fluffy and drably from now on, I'm not sure. I'm just sort of going with it. :3**

As we were walking through the forest, I could feel Peeta wincing in pain beside me. I needed to get him back to the district, to heal him. The fight with Gale had injured him badly. I took Peeta's arm and hung it around my neck, supporting his weight. He objected, but I told him to lean on me and he finally obliged. He knew what was best for him right now. Peeta had had his fair share of injuries in his life, so this was nothing new. I could hear his sharp exhalation with every step we took. I could feel his pain and it hurt me to see him hurt. I wanted to get him back as soon as possible, but I didn't want to rush him. I took deep breaths, trying to stay calm. Today had been stressful enough, the last thing we needed for both of us was me having another breakdown.

"Katniss?" Peeta breathed, sounding alarmed. I just kept staring straight ahead, watching as the district appeared in the horizon over the treetops. We kept hobbling along, as I wanted to create as much distance as possible between us and Gale. "Katniss!" Peeta repeated, desperately trying to get my attention. When I ignored him once again, he removed his arm from around my neck and became dead weight. I struggled to hold him up and he pulled his both down to the ground. What was he playing at? I got annoyed with him and slapped him with half-strength on the chest. I would've hit him harder, but he looked like he was suffering enough as it was and my life was in debt to him; once more.

Peeta just laughed when I slapped him and pulled my head into his chest. I couldn't resist and let him lay my head down, listening to his heartbeat. We lay there for a few seconds before I asked him, "Why did you do this?" I sensed him smile, watching as he looked up at the sky. I followed his gaze and saw the birds flying around above the trees. We even saw a mockingjay among them. Today truly was a beautiful day. He didn't answer me, he just intertwined his fingers is my hair, flowing through it. I closed my eyes feeling comforted by what he was doing. A few minutes later, Peeta broke the silence. "Do you feel calm?"

"Yes." I answered him, my eyes still closed. He stopped playing with my hair and I opened my eyes. I wish he hadn't stopped, but he did. "You should talk to Gale." He told me quietly. His words confused me. Why would Peeta want me to talk to Gale? "Why?" I asked, my confusion seeping into my voice. "Because you need to hear what he has to say. It might help you, more than you think." I contemplated what Peeta had said, coming to the conclusion that he was probably right. I decided to follow his advice. "But what about you?" I asked, concerned.

"I'll be fine. I'll wait here for you. I promise. It's not like I can go anywhere." Peeta laughed, making light of the situation. I smiled in spite of him and helped him lean against a rock. I leant down and kissed him. This kiss reminded me of our first kiss in the arena, ho w I had wanted another. My thirst for him had only grown since then. It was hard for me to be apart from him for too long. But I was strong, so this I could handle. I turned away from Peeta, leaving my heart with him as I went back to talk to Gale. I knew he wouldn't have moved. I knew him too well.

I found Gale in the clearing we had left him in. I watched his head lift in surprise as I announced my presence by purposely snapping a twig on the ground with my foot. His eyes looked at me, momentarily surprise, then his face broke out into a beaming smile. I stood expressionless, staring back at Gale. He absorbed my expression and his smile faltered. Gale stood awkwardly, waiting for me to say something. "Peeta told me to hear you out." I said simply, as if that explained everything.

"And you did what he said?" Gale asked patronisingly. "That's not like you Katnip. You don't follow orders, remember? Never have, never will." He laughed loudly, the noise startling some nearby birds that flew off in a flutter, their wings flapping rapidly as they escaped. I watched them with more interest than listening to Gale's words. "It's different now, Gale." I told him, realizing the truth behind my own words. "I'd follow him into the dark. I love him." I watched Gale recoil at my words, evidently not pleased by them. His hands clenched into fists and he dropped his gaze to the ground.

"You love me too." Gale said suddenly, more to himself, than to me. It was as if he was trying to convince himself what he was saying was true, even though it wasn't. "No," I said, interrupting him. "I don't." Gale looked up at me, a fire burning in his grey eyes. "Yes you do!" He shouted, his fist in the air. He started towards me, closing the space between us in a few steps with his giant legs. He carried on towards me and I assumed he was going to stop infront of me, but I was wrong. Instead he grabbed me and leant down, pulling my face harshly up to his and kiss me firmly on the lips. He didn't hurt me, but he wasn't gentle like Peeta. I felt his lips on mine and all I could think about was how he wasn't Peeta. I felt my stomach do a measly flip as a remnant of my old feelings for Gale, but it was nothing compared to what this would've done to me a year ago.

I didn't stop him from kissing me because I knew he needed this. It seemed conceited but I knew Gale had to do this to realize. I just stood there limply in his arms, my lips frozen, waiting for him to finish. It wasn't unpleasant and I knew the girl who got Gale would be lucky, but I also knew that girl would not be me. Gale didn't seem to realize that I wasn't kissing him back. Maybe he was trying to ignite my fire with his own, as he kissed me all over my lips, his tongue begging for entry into my mouth, but my lips were sealed. Eventually, he realized what a lost cause this was and pulled away, staring longingly into my eyes and dropping me back down to my feet. The fire that was previously blazing in his grey eyes had died away. He finally understood.

"You love him." Gale repeated. It wasn't a question, it was an understanding. He had finally realized what I had been telling him all along. He looked at me as if he was really seeing me for the first time. "I'm sorry." I said to him, not truly understanding why but knowing it was the right thing to do. "No, I needed to know." Gale told me. He hesitated for a moment, then spoke again. "Do you love me at all anymore?" He asked, his eyes locked on mine, searching for something we both knew he wouldn't fine. "No." I said as warmly as possible, but it still came out cold. I wish there was a way to make this easier on Gale. He hung his head and a tear leaked out of his eye. I knew I was supposed to be angry with Gale, but seeing him hurt like this was something that evoked sympathy in me. I reached out and wrapped my arms around his waist, because he was too tall to wrap my arms around his neck, unlike Peeta, who was shorter.

Gale froze in shock for a moment, then wound his arms around me. I held him and his sobs got worse until he was shaking in my arms. "I'm so sorry Katniss." I hushed him but he said her name, "Prim." He just continually sobbed her name over and over, each time feeling like a knife in my chest, but at least I knew he was sorry. Seeing him like this, I knew I'd be able to forgive him. It was tearing him apart inside, that much was obvious. I stroked his hair comfortingly and calmed him down. Eventually, Gale was all cried out and he reached out to hold my hand. I let him, but it just a friendly gesture. I smiled at him and he spoke again, "I know this isn't it. I know it's going to take you a long time to forgive me, but this is a start, right?" He held up our intertwined hands and I nodded. He smiled, and stood up, separating our hands.

"I should go." He said, tilting his head. "Wait." I blurted out as he was walking off, stopping him dead in his tracks. He turned to face me and I asked him, "Can you help me with Peeta? He's injured and you'll be able to get him back to the district faster than I can." Gale contemplated my words for a moment and I realized the severity of what I was asking him. I knew it was unfair, but I was desperate. I just hoped Gale could understand that. Evidently he could, because he agreed to help, although he wasn't all smiles about it. I lead him to Peeta, the worry seeping into my thoughts again now that he was on my mind, so by the time I had reached Peeta in the clearing I was practically sprinting towards him, Gale struggling to keep up even though he was physically faster than me. I had more drive, more spirit and passion.

Peeta's eyes lit up when he saw me, despite the pain he was in. I would never get used to that look. Like there was no-one else in the world, only me, and I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen in his entire existence. That was how Peeta made me feel, and how I felt about him. Gale bent down and picked Peeta up, carrying him towards the district. Peeta yelled in pain, his condition clearly deteriorating. "Peeta, I'm sorry." Gale said to him. Peeta just shook his head, saying, "It's no worse than what I did to you." Gale was bleeding badly where I had shot him, but I knew he had a high tolerance for pain. I lead the way to the district hospital, which had been set up recently when a lot of people were falling ill from the fumes from the destruction of the district. There was bound to be someone there, even now.

I rushed the boys to the hospital and the healer on duty administered them both to beds immediately, where they were both hooked up to IV drips and passed out. I looked around the single ward and saw mainly children. The dust from the destruction of the district was causing havoc on their lungs, which caused asthma attacks and other illnesses. Nothing major, but in a high enough quantity to warrant a hospital. The healing jobs were beneficial to the economy of the district. Even now, the horrors of the Games haunted us. I heard one child coughing up blood violently and that was it, I had to leave. Both Gale and Peeta wouldn't even know I was gone.

I had been sat with them for hours, so once I went outside it was the dead of night and pouring rain. Without thinking, I walked out into the rain and sat down in the mud. The water soaked my clothes to my skin in a matter of minutes and my hair clung to my face. I found the sound of pouring rain soothing and I hadn't felt this relaxed in a while. I let my mind wander, thinking about my mother in the Capitol, the state of District 12, Gale, Peeta, everything. My life was a mess right now.

Suddenly, I heard the hospital doors swing open behind me. "Katniss?" I heard a familiar voice call out into the darkness. I swung around to see Peeta in his hospital gown, stood in the doorway, looking for me. "Peeta!" I called back over the drowning sound of the rain, which seemed to have picked up in volume. I noticed he was barefoot, but he still ran down the concrete steps and onto the muddy ground towards me. I jumped up and ran towards him, tears streaming down my face. I didn't even know why I was so upset, I think it was just all the emotion of the day building up and exploding out of me. I needed him. I needed him so much. He was so close. Just a few seconds away. Nothing else mattered. Nothing.

With monumental force we collided as a thunderclap raged in the dark sky, illuminating the world around us. But all I could see was him. He looked at me for a moment, smiled, then kissed me like he had never kissed me before. His lips pressed against mine passionately, his arms roaming all across my back, pulling my body closer into his, warming us both. We stood shivering as we kissed, the movement adding to our lips. I hugged him tight, never wanting to let him go. I held his body close to mine, kissing him again and again, gasping for breath. Our kisses were wet from the rain and the storm surrounding us didn't seem to bother either of us. Finally, he pulled my face back with his hands, staring deep into my eyes. "I love you." He told me.

I just smiled. "I know." I said, taking his hand in mine. "Now come on, let's get you back inside." Peeta intertwined our fingers, leading us back through the hospital doors, his feet covered in mud and cuts from the ground. Our moment of passion had its consequences when the healer got mad at Peeta for leaving the hospital and mad at me for allowing him to do so. "I just needed to find her." Peeta told the healer, inclining his head towards me and the healer clutched her chest and "Aww'd." I felt myself blushing but Peeta just chuckled, brushing the back of his hand against my hot skin. He was ordered back to bed and I sat in the chair by his side. Gale was still asleep. Peeta reached out for my hand. I took it gently, letting him know I was still here. The healer turned the lights off and Peeta said through the darkness. "Stay?"

"Always."


	8. Run

"Katniss."

"Katniss." A familiar voice echoed through the darkness, slithering into my ears. "Katniss!" The voice got louder. I couldn't respond, but I knew it was getting nearer. I knew this was a dream, because I couldn't see anything. I was surrounded in complete darkness. Even in sleep I could subconsciously feel Peeta's hand in mine in reality. _Not real. Not real. Not real._ I kept thinking to myself, using Peeta's method of remaining grounded. I felt out of touch, not knowing what to do. I just sat there, but the voice kept whispering my name sinisterly. It was irritating, because I knew I knew the voice, I just couldn't picture who it belonged to. I thought it might belong to Gale for a moment, then punished myself for even thinking such a terrible thing. This voice wanted to hurt me. This voice wanted to kill me. This voice wanted me dead. The bloodlust was evident. Finally, I realized who the voice belonged to.

President Snow.

My eyes flung open and my vision was greeted with darkness once more, but there were flickers of light. My eyes shot straight to the sources of light in the nearby rooms where there were nightlights. I was breathing fast and hard, which hurt my chest. I slumped back in my hospital chair, readjusting Peeta's hand in mine. I sat there, motionless, until my breathing returned to normal. I looked at Peeta, watching him sleep for a while. I watched his chest rise and fall deeply and slowly. I marvelled at his beautiful face, his eyes fluttering in sleep. Simultaneously he smiled and squeezed my hand. I wondered if he was awake, but when I whispered his name, he didn't respond. Peeta wouldn't ignore me. I knew that much. Whilst I was sat there watching him, my heart swelled. I knew I was in love with him, I just didn't know the extent of my emotions. Peeta was making me feel things I didn't know were possible.

These new feelings scared me. I didn't like dealing with the unknown. The unknown was unpredictable and I wasn't sure what it was capable of. I felt like these feelings were consuming me. I didn't want that to happen. I wanted to be in control of myself. I haven't been in control of myself for so long. I need to go back to being the strong girl I was, before the Games changed me. For the first time since his return, I had stopped long enough to actually _think _about my feelings for Peeta. I had just followed my feelings willingly, without questioning what I was doing, which was so unlike me. Peeta had changed me so much, I felt like I wasn't myself anymore. I felt like I belonged to him more than I belonged to myself. I didn't want to be a slave to these feelings. Panic set in and I found myself pulling my hand out of Peeta's clutch. I had to remind myself not to blame him for this. This was my entire fault. I had spent my entire life holding back my emotions and when I finally let myself feel something for someone; it had begun to destroy me.

I stood up from my chair and swiftly left the hospital. I felt guilt seep through me as I remembered what I had said to Peeta last night. I had told him I would stay, but I was leaving. I reached the main entrance/exit of the hospital, but it was locked. I pulled on the door, which made a loud metal clanging but otherwise did nothing else. I had to get out. I had to escape. If I could escape the Games twice, I could break through a metal door. Just as I was planning my next move, I heard footsteps down the corridor. I thought for a moment about hiding, but the footsteps were light and quiet, something Peeta was not. So I stood, waiting for whoever it was to turn the corner. Gale shifted around the corner, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. The drugs the healer had given him had seemed to have sorted his wound out well. Gale always was a fast learner anyway. I knew his body would recover quicker than Peeta's. Gale looked at me trying to open the door and gave me a questioning look.

I scowled at him and he pulled open the lock using his brute strength. I started at him wide eyed and he just shrugged at me. "Are you okay?" I whispered. He nodded, his eyes on mine. "Thank you." I said, inclining my head towards the door. Again, he just nodded. "Are you sure you're okay?" I quizzed. For the third time, he just nodded, his eyes still locked on mine. "Say something." I said, starting to get irritated with him. To be honest, this confrontation with Gale was distracting me from my overwhelming feelings for Peeta. I knew I was using him, in a way, and that made me feel guilty, but I carried on anyway. Like I didn't feel guilty enough for abandoning Peeta? I needed to stop thinking about him. I needed to get out. "You're welcome." Gale said, his voice monotonous. "For goodness sake Gale, what's wrong!" I asked, pulling him out the door and outside into the night. It was still dark, but light was spawning over the horizon. An hour or so before dawn.

The rain was still falling, although not as hard. Me and Gale stood in the rain and I shook him fiercely, trying to get a rise out of him. This wasn't Gale. He was usually so full of passion, but he just seemed dead. I hated it. I wasn't sure why I was so bothered, I was supposed to be mad at Gale. I supposed after everything, I needed him. I loved him, just not in the way he wanted. He was still someone in my heart and someone I cared for, but it would always be Peeta, for me. I think that was what had unleashed the full force of my feelings for Peeta, finally accepting that I loved him and choosing him over Gale. There had never really been a choice, but once I had let my walls down, my love for Peeta was destroying Peeta from the inside out.

"I think it's the drugs they gave me." Gale confessed, his voice quiet. I looked up at him, bewildered. "Why were you embarrassed to tell me that?" I asked him, studying his reaction. His eyebrows furrowed and his eyes went hard. "They make me feel weak. Like, I'm not in control." It felt like his words had punched me in the stomach, knocking all the wind out of me. I exhaled sharply, and Gale looked at me funny. "Are you okay?" He asked, concerned. "Uhh, yeah. It's just-" I exhaled sharply. "Never mind." I went to walk back inside but Gale grabbed my wrist, his hand easily stretching all the way around it. "No, c'mon Katnip, tell me." He pulled me around to face him and I took him in with my eyes. He was dressed in his hospital gown, but he was wearing shoes. He had a coat on. He had obviously woken up when I had, then.

"It just took me by surprise, that's all." I confessed, pulling my hand out of Gale's grip but walking back towards so he knew I wasn't going to try to run off or anything. "What did?" Gale asked. "What you just said." I answered, trying to avoid the truth behind my words. "What, you didn't expect me to feel this way?" Gale asked, confused. I thought about that, then decided to add it to my growing 'decipher later' pile, along with my feelings for Peeta and what I should do next. "I didn't expect _me _to feel that way." I admitted, my head hung. I felt Gale tense up beside me, then he reached his arms out and gently pulled me towards him for a hug. I tried to resist, but I didn't have the energy. I was so tired. I let him hug me, feeling his arms around me but not feeling comforted at all. "Why do you feel this way, Katniss?" He asked me, breathing into my shoulder. "I don't know. I love him so much, I just need to get away." I said into his chest, hiding my head, "Does that make me a bad person?" I felt him shake his head and he pulled mine out of his chest to look into my eyes.

"I need to tell you something." He told me. "What?" I asked, my eyes wide. I was scared about what it might be. I had hurt Gale so many times before. "The real reason I'm here." Gale explained. "What?" I pressed, desperate to know his answer and remove another unknown from my life. "You're needed in The Capitol. The people there are worried about you. After all, you are the Mockingjay." Gale smiled, before continuing. "They love you and they just want to know you're alright. Your mother wants to see you as well." Once he mentioned my mother I knew I was a goner. I had no choice but to go. It was sort of perfect, a chance to escape. I knew I was being a coward, leaving Peeta like this, but I had to remind myself I wasn't abandoning him, I was just getting some space between us so I could think rationally. When I was around him, all I could think about was how much I loved him and how much that scared me. I didn't want to be scared. "When can we leave?" I asked Gale, shocking him. He leant back, judging if I was serious. "As soon as you want," he said, "There's a train waiting for us in the station."

"Go." I told him. "I'll meet up with you in a second." Gale continued to stare at me, before asking me, "Are you sure, Katniss? What about Pe-" I interrupted him, not wanting Gale to say his name. "Yes." I said simply, terminating the conversation before walking into the hospital. When I saw Gale following me, I had to refrain from shouting at him. "For Goodness sake Gale!" I said loudly, but he covered my mouth with his large hand, which I threw off of my face fiercely. "I need my clothes." He explained, laughing at my behaviour. I followed him back to the room, both of us using our forest skills to be silent. Gale grabbed his clothes and went to get changed whilst I sat back down beside Peeta's sleeping body. I got a piece of paper and a pen from the healer's office, but how would I explain this to him in a letter without making him hate me? Nevertheless, I began to write.

_Dear Peeta,_

_I had to go to the Capitol with Gale. I'm not in any danger, so please don't worry about me. I expect you'll be seeing me on television anyway. I'll call you when I get there, but as you know, the train journey takes a few days. I'll be fine. I'm so sorry to leave you like this, without much of an explanation. Just know that I love you so much and I'm doing this for all the right reasons._

_Katniss._

My tears stained the paper as I wrote, splashing the ink. I set the pen aside, folding the paper in half and writing _Peeta_ in elegant handwriting along the folded side so he knew to open it. Peeta didn't pry, so unless he knew the letter was for him, he'd leave it alone. Another little quirk I loved about him. I was only going away for a week or so, but not being able to see him for that long... it killed me. I took in his sleeping form, tears streaming down my cheek silently. I wiped them away with my fingertips, before leaning down and kissing Peeta gently on the lips, without waking him. He stirred and whispered my name in his sleep, "Katniss." In that moment, I wanted so much to stay, but I knew I had to leave. I stroked his cheek and jaw, before leaving him in the hospital to recover. Gale had gone ahead to the train station, giving me the respect and privacy of my farewell with Peeta.

I reached the train station in no time, boarding the train immediately, finding Gale in the lounge cart. He was sat on the couch, waiting for me to enter. As soon as I was on the train, it began to roll and I knew there was no turning back now. I looked out of the window as we left District 12 behind and I left him behind, the love of my life. I turned away from the window, the view making my chest hurt. It seemed like me and Gale were the only ones on the train, which was odd. "Where's everyone else?" I asked, confused. Gale just smiled at me and motioned for him to sit beside him. I stood where I was, refusing to so much as move until he answered my question. He stared at me for a few moments, testing my resolve, before sighing in defeat. "You're just as stubborn as before." He laughed, but there was a hint of sadness in his voice. "What's that supposed to mean?" I said, my voice raised, getting defensive. "Nothing!" Gale said, holding his hands up in protest, before slamming them back down on the arms of his chair.

"We're the only ones here, apart from the driver. This was a high priority mission given to me." Gale smiled and again motioned for me to take the chair next to him. He was persistent. I walked over to him, watching the expectant gleam in his eyes, but instead sat opposite him, where there was more space between us. I didn't like how he was acting now we were alone and he'd gotten me away from Peeta. "Why was it given to you?" I asked a suspicious tone leaking into my voice. "Because I asked for it." Gale smiled, getting up to get a drink from a cart at the edge of the room. I watched him as he poured himself a glass of red wine. "Why?" I asked as he poured the ruby red liquid into a glass. "Because I miss you." He admitted, his voice taking on a tone of confession, all pretences aside.

"I miss you too." I admitted. Gale's hand shook and he almost spilled his wine, before controlling himself and putting the bottle away. He picked up his glass and walked back over to me, sitting down beside me. I rolled my eyes at him. "Thank you." He said, before placing his arm on the rest next to mine, our arms almost touching. "You're never going to give up, are you?" I asked him, moving my arm to my lap. My tone wasn't vicious, it was merely an observation. Gale simply shook his head in answer. "Why?" I asked for the second time. I felt like I needed answers, I hadn't seen him in so long. "Because I love you." He told me, taking another gulp of wine. The liquid swished around his mouth and stained his upper lip when he set the glass back down. "I'm sorry." I told him.

Because I was sorry. Sorry that he was in love with me. I was such a wreck, a mess. I had run from the only boy who had ever gotten to see who I truly was. I was such a broken person; I wasn't even in control of who I was, let alone having to worry about other people around me. I couldn't look after myself, so I there was no way I would be able to handle someone loving me. I think that was part of the reason why I ran, because I was scared I was going to disappoint Peeta at some point. I could list a million reasons why I was running, but I knew the main one was that I was scared of what my own emotions were doing to me. "Don't be." Gale told me. "I know I've done plenty wrong and I don't expect being in love with you will change any of that."

"Not really." I admitted absent-mindedly, unaware of how my words might hurt Gale. I felt him tense up beside me in response, but my mind was miles away. I was staring out of the window, thinking about Peeta. It was early morning now and I knew he'd be awake. I wondered if he had found my note. I knew he must have. My mind was racing, thinking about how Peeta would respond. What would he do? Just as my mind was mulling over Peeta, I heard a dull ringing noise, which snapped me out of my train of thought. I looked at Gale, but he looked as bewildered as me. We both got up and began to walk towards the ringing noise, which was coming from another compartment of the train. We quickly located the source of the noise – a telephone. It was attached to the wall. I stared at it, fascinated. I had seen telephones before, in the houses in Victor's Village, but never a mobile phone. The screen said it was an Unknown number. I stared at it, vibrating and ringing, the noise echoing around the train.

"Should we answer it?" I asked Gale, inclining my head towards the phone. Gale simply shrugged. "We're the only ones on here so it must be for one of us." Gale said simply, as if that explained everything. I took a deep breath and picked up the phone. There was silence for a moment before I spoke, "Hello?" I asked, not sure what to expect. "Katniss!" The voice on the end of the phone sounded relieved and I immediately knew who it belonged to. No-one else could say my name the way he could. Nobody else could make my heart soar with just one word. Nobody, but Peeta.


	9. Drunk

I bathed in the security of knowing he was there. Hearing his voice, I needed him so much closer. I had only spent a few hours away from him, but already I missed him so much. I never knew it would be possible to miss someone this much. "Peeta!" I squeaked in a tone that did not belong to me. I could hear him breathing on the other end of the phone and he sounded so desperate. "How are you even calling?" I asked, trying to stall him with unimportant details. "I found your note and went straight to Haymitch, who called Effie who gave me the number for the train you're on." He explained quickly, wanting to get it out of the way so he could talk to me about the real reason he was calling. "What are you doing?" He asked, a hint of anger in his voice. I could just imagine his face right now. His bright blue eyes aflame with passion, his blond hair flowing gently; I wished he was here with me.

"The Capitol needs me," I began to explain but he interrupted me, "I need you!" I had never had Peeta shout at me like this, except when he was under the influence of hijacked memories. "I'm coming to the Capitol," he began, but it was my turn to interrupt him, "No, you can't! You're not in a healthy enough condition and your leg-"

"I don't care about my stupid leg, I'm coming!" Peeta shouted down the phone. I looked at Gale who was stood beside me. He could hear what I was saying and I assume he could hear Peeta's shouts through the receiver, but he didn't know what we were saying because when I turned to him for advice he merely shrugged. "This is the only train scheduled for District 12 in weeks, Peeta." I explained to him quietly, trying to calm him down. The last thing I wanted was Peeta angry at me, although it was inevitable, considering what I had done to him. "I'll walk." Peeta said, his voice determined. "It's miles," I explained incredulously, "Even with a fully working leg-"

"Can you stop talking about my leg? Can you stop reminding me how weak I am?" Peeta said, a hint of hurt in his voice. His outburst took me by surprise and we were both silent for a moment, but I could hear his heavy breathing down the other end of the phone and I knew how frustrated he was. I tried to imagine how I would feel if the roles were reversed. I imagined I would feel hurt, betrayed and abandoned. No wonder Peeta was getting so angry with me. I was such a terrible person. I took a deep breath before starting again.

"I'm sorry." We both said simultaneously and despite everything, this small thing made us both laugh. I could hear his laughter, which sounded like wind-chimes in a gentle breeze. Beautiful and relaxing. We were both silent for a moment, before I spoke again through the quiet, "The Capitol want to see me, to make sure I'm okay. So does my mother. Gale's mission was to get me to The Capitol and it was high priority, so there was a train waiting for us. I'm sorry." Peeta was silent for a few moments, taking in the information I had just divulged.

"Call me when you get there?" Was all he asked and I was blown away by his understanding. I exhaled sharply and smiled. "Of course." I whispered down the phone. "I love you." He told me. "I love you too." I replied, the panic setting in again from my own confusing emotions. I had to keep it together, especially in front of Gale. I listened to one last beautiful breath of Peeta's before I heard the receiver click and go dead. I held the phone, listening to the dead buzzing noise, trying to drown everything out, but it didn't work. Gale came over and took the phone away from my ear before placing it back down on the receiver.

"Everything okay?" He asked, but I wasn't sure if he was genuinely concerned or just making conversation. I just nodded and turned away to sit back down in my seat. He followed me like a puppy and this irritated me somewhat. I wasn't sure if Gale was trying to be helpful or wean me off of Peeta. Gale carried on drinking his wine, draining his glass before he went and poured himself another. "Want one?" he asked, as he stood before the cart, pouring himself a second. I genuinely contemplated it for a moment, thinking back to the last time I got drunk, with Haymitch. It seemed like a lifetime ago. It had certainly drowned out the pain for a while, which is something that would be very useful right now. Before I really knew what I was doing I was agreeing and Gale was pouring me a glass of wine. I drank it immediately, the sharp berry taste burning the back of my throat for a moment, making me wince. I went to get a second glass immediately and drank it just as quickly, which made Gale look at me shocked. I just laughed and poured myself a third glass, drinking this one much slower, at a more acceptable rate.

Gale and I spent hours sitting in the lounge as the train silently sped its way towards the Capitol. By nightfall, I was incredibly drunk. Everything was blurry and spinning. I was seeing two Gales, which could only be a bad sign. I felt nauseous and giddy at the same time, but I no longer felt my earlier overwhelming and confusion emotions of love and my fear of it. I smiled, happy knowing that I was finally allowed some relief from literally being lovesick. Gale looked at me a vacant yet surprising stare in his eyes and he said, "I think it's best if I put you to bed." I merely lolled my head to the side in response, to which he stumbled to his feet and lifted me off of mine into his arms. For some reason I found this hilarious and Gale carried me through the train to the bed compartment. He threw me down on the bed jokingly and I cried out, begging him not to push me around because of the alcohol swishing around in my stomach. This was the most fun I had had with Gale in years.

Suddenly I took in my surroundings and I remembered. This was the same bedroom I had spent in Peeta's arms on the Victory Tour. The memories washed over me, but they weren't as powerful as I knew they would've been normally. A drunken haze protected me from my own emotions and I curled up in the blankets, fully clothed, wishing for Peeta to be beside me but thankful that he wasn't. He was safe back home, where my confusion and constant pushing and pulling couldn't hurt him. Some time apart would be good for us. It would help me clear my head and learn to understand just exactly what I felt for him. I felt Gale collapse on the other side of the bed and scramble under the covers. This just felt wrong. This was my bed with Peeta, didn't he know that? Of course he didn't. Because nobody understood. Nobody except Peeta. "I need the toilet," I mumbled, clambering out of the bed and out into the corridor. I stumbled through the still moving train compartments until I found the phone from earlier. Taking it off the receiver I searched the buttons groggily for a moment before finding the redial button. I pressed it and listened to the phone ring three times, before Peeta picked up. "Hello?" Peeta asked, his voice deep and croaky from just having woken up. It sounded so... sexy. "Hello _darling_." I whispered bursting into laughter at the end. "Katniss, is that you?" He asked, sounding concerned. "The one and only!" I laughed down the phone and I heard him chuckle. "You're drunk." He said. It was not an accusation, merely an observation. "I know," I admitted and my previously giddy mood dwindled away. Tears began to leak form in my eyes. I tried to hold them back but the spilt over regardless, falling down my cheeks and dropping off of my chin and onto the floor. As I wept, my breathing got ragged and Peeta heard me. "Katniss, are you crying?" He asked me. "No," I lied, but my voice betrayed me, portraying my sadniss.

"Oh Katniss." Peeta sighed and I wanted nothing more than for his warm muscular arms to wrap around me. To lay my head on his chest and fall asleep to the sound of his heartbeat. I missed him so much and I'd only been away from him for a day. I knew this kind of love wasn't healthy. It was consuming me from the inside out. I didn't understand how I could look so wholesome on the outside when evidently I was so broken on the inside. He just listened to me cry, not saying a word, his mere presence keeping me calm. After a while, he asked, "Where's Gale?"

"Asleep." I told him, thinking about Gale lying in Peeta's spot in the bed we shared. I knew I wouldn't return back there. I would find somewhere else to sleep. I didn't care if that upset Gale. He'd understand, once I explained things to him. I hoped. If not, I didn't really care at this current moment in time, I was acting on instinct, because I was highly intoxicated. Peeta did not rush me or tell me to go to bed. I sat down, my back against the wall and I could feel the vibrations of the train moving against the bottom of my legs. "I wish you were here." I admitted, giving into my weakness. I was supposed to be strong. After all, I was the one doing this to the both of us. "So do I. So much." Peeta told me. I laid my head down, the phone against my ear and I just stayed still. I found myself praying that something would pick me up and lay me down in Peeta's warm arms.

At some point in the night, I fell asleep. I had a dreamless sleep and when I woke up in the morning, I felt like hell. The receiver was on the floor beside me. Gale must either still be asleep or not have found me yet. I picked it up and could hear Peeta snoring on the other end. I thought about waking up, but instead I hung up and put the phone back. He needed his rest. I went to the bathroom and splashed water over my face in an attempt to wake me up. Instead, I got into the shower and let the hot water wash away the haze that was still fogging around me. I stayed in the shower for over an hour, before forcing myself to get out and dry off. I put my clothes back on and went to find Gale. I found him still asleep on the bed and decided to leave him to rest. The more rest he got the better he would feel when he woke up. I sat by the window and watched the scenery rush by. I could see the Capitol over the horizon and knew it was only a matter of hours before we would be there. That thought both excited and scared me. I couldn't wait to see my mother but I wondered what the Capitol wanted with me. Only time could tell...


	10. Talks

I waited nervously as the Capitol drew closer and closer. After a while, I heard Gale clamber out of his compartment and laughed at his hungover state. He just smiled, his hair ruffled. "Where were you last night?" He asked. "I drunkenly called Peeta." I admitted, laughing. He laughed with me before walking past me to the bathroom. I listened for a moment, then heard the shower switch on. Great minds think alike, I thought with a smile. I went back to looking out of the window, the sound of the running water from Gale's shower soothing me. I knew I wasn't in a good place right now emotionally, so I wondered how I was going to handle the Capitol. I couldn't break, not here. It was only for a little while. As I was about to get up, Gale walked into the compartment, dripping wet, with only a white towel wrapped around his waist, his chest bare. I wondered if this was some pathetic attempt to seduce me, so I pretended not to notice him and just threw him his clothes. He caught them and walked past me to the bedroom, to get changed. He spent longer than I thought he would in there, so when he came out, I asked, "What were you doing in there?"

"I made up the bed, that's why I took longer." He explained. I tilted my head back in understand and he went to get some food from the cart on a plate. I stood up to join him, feeling like I needed some food in me to soak up the remaining alcohol before facing the Capitol. My second experiences with alcohol had been much more pleasant than the first, probably because Haymitch wasn't around. Me and Gale ate in relative silence, simply enjoying each other's company. In a weird way, it felt like the old times, before the Games. I could feel my friendship with Gale slowly healing, although things would never been the same. He was openly in love with me and he had been part of the reason my younger sister was dead. I didn't like to think about that because it made my stomach twist in pain, but I had to get used to my darker thoughts if they were going to creep up on me when I was least expecting it.

Before either of us knew it we had arrived at the Capitol train station. The train rolled under a tunnel, surrounding us in complete darkness for a moment, before we emerged on the other side, hoardes of Capitol folk stood, waiting for the train to arrive. I would never get over how different and odd these people were compared to the people back home. Once they saw me, they started cheering and clapping, desperately trying to reach the train. The doors to the train opened and I instinctively grabbed on to Gale's arm. He led me out into the crowd, who launched themselves at me. There was lots of shouting and screaming and my eyes were scanning the station for my mother. I couldn't see her over people pushing and shoving to get closer to me.

"Where's Peeta!" Someone shouted above the noise and the shouts disappeared as they waited for my answer. I felt like I was being interviewed with Caesar again. "He's at home, he's sick. But he'll be fine." I said with a smile. The way I spoke about him, it was as if we had been together for years. "He sends his regards." I added with a smile. In the corner of my eye I saw Gale push away an overenthusiastic fan with an unnecessary force. I shot him a dark glance that said we would have words for that once we were in private. Over the crowd I saw my mother trying to push her way towards me. I stood on my tiptoes to get a better view of her and the crowd followed my gaze, welcomingly moving aside to allow my mother through. She smiled and walked towards me, taking me into her arms and hugging me.

All the years I'd spent pushing my mother away after my father's death had made me forget how much I needed her. I'd become so cold and self-sufficient, but Peeta's love for me had thawed me out and now I accepted my mother with open arms. I put my arms around her and immediately felt comforted. She smiled and her beauty was breathtaking, even after all these years. She took my hand in hers and led me away from the crowd and out the train station.

"Goodbye Katniss."

"Bye Girl on Fire."

"See you later Mockingjay!"

The crowd shouted after us, seemingly disappointed that I was leaving so soon. "It's okay, she's got an interview with Caesar Flickerman tomorrow." He shouted back to the crowd as he ran to catch up with us. He went to take my other hand but I swiftly moved it out of the way, hoping my mother didn't notice. I thought I saw her eyes flicker, but I didn't say anything. "Where are we going?" I asked. "_We're_ going back to my house." My mother said with emphasis on the 'we' and giving Gale an unwelcoming glare. Gale looked at her and then stumbled out, "Uhh, yeah, I've got to go and report back to officials anyway." Gale said, taking off in the opposite direction. I stared at my mother in admiration. I would never get used to seeing her as such a strong, independent figure.

We were relatively silent whilst walking to my mother's house in the Capitol, chit-chatting about trivial things, leaving the real talk for when we were inside – somewhere more private. It was rather windy and I was glad to be inside. My mother's apartment was really homey and I sat down at the mahogany table whilst she made tea. There were many inventions in my mother's apartment I didn't even know existed. When she set a steaming mug of sweet tea in front of me and sat opposite to me, a stern look in her eyes, she spoke. "Now, talk." She commanded and I was given the near impossible task of wondering where to begin.

I sat quiet for a moment and my mother waited patiently for me to begin. I decided to tell her everything and omitted no detail. She was the only person I could trust. I didn't trust Gale anymore and I couldn't talk to Peeta about this because it didn't seem right. My mother listened intently, her face giving away no emotion. When I became overwhelmed, breaking down in tears in front of her, she simply reached out and took my hand in hers and began soothing it by rubbing the back of my hand. I wanted to grow up like my mother. I wanted to be as strong and independent as her. Her life here, it was so different, so healthy.

Through harsh sobs, I finally managed to reach what was bothering me so much. My mother knew me so well. "I'm scared, mother. I love him so much it hurts. I didn't think I was capable of an emotion this intense. And it's not just one emotion, it lots of different emotions mixed into one. I feel like I can't differentiate things when I'm around him. I'm not in control. All my decisions revolve around him. I love him so much, but I don't want to be a slave to my love for him. Which is why I jumped at the opportunity to run here. I don't want to mess this up. I want to be with him, but I've put Peeta's happiness before my own. I have no idea what to do, everything feels so new and different and I feel scared and alone because I can't talk to him about this. I feel like my whole life is changing and there's nothing I can do about it."

My mother listened to me pour my heart out to her. When I was finished, she contemplated what I said for a moment. "Katniss, s_ometimes we love_ people _so much_ that _we have_ to be _numb_ to it. _Because_ if we actually felt how _much we love them_, it _would kill us_." She said to me, her blue eyes meeting my grey ones. "You just have to learn to numb yourself to these overwhelming emotions. You always were intense and self-destructive; not a good combination." She laughed with a shake of her head. "I am confident you will make the best decision. Peeta," she paused. "He's good for you." She smiled and I finally brought myself to stop crying. But I had one more confession to make.

"Mom, I'm so sorry." I told her, dropping my gaze to the table. I couldn't bear to look her in the eyes because her blue eyes were reminding me of his eyes, although they had nowhere near the same level of intensity. "Whatever for darling?" she chuckled incredulously. "For pushing you away when Dad died," I explained, shame filling me up. I had my hands in my lap, staring down at them. "I was so blind back then, too stubborn to understand. But now I do, because," I took a deep breath, refusing to allow tears to flow again. "Because now I know that's exactly what I'd do if anything happened to Peeta." The weight of my confession lifted from my shoulders and I felt much happier although I was still waiting for her response.

My mother stood up from the table and for a moment I thought she was going to walk away in anger. But she rounded the table, pulled me to my feet and hugged me, tears streaming down her face. "Thank you," she whispered into my ear through her tears. I rubbed her back and I couldn't hold back any longer. Me and my mother cried for hours, talking about my father and Prim. What they'd be doing now, what they used to do. After a while, I had to ask my mother. "Mom, do you blame Gale for what happened?" I asked.

"No." She answered honestly. "He's just a good boy who bad things have happened to and he didn't handle them as well as he could have. His fire, it isn't good for him. But I've watched him grow up and I know he's not a bad man. He has the potential to be, though. If he hurts you," she warned, her look deadly that I didn't doubt her for a moment. "I want you to promise you'll tell me." My mother stared at me intensely, forcing me to agree. I knew she would always look out for me and from now on I'd make it my duty to look out for and take care of her.

I spoke with her all day, going out for a meal, getting coffee, seeing everything Capitol had to offer whilst talking about everything. By the end of the day, we'd caught up and I went back to my mother's apartment, exhausted. I suddenly remembered that I needed to call Peeta. Telephones were a everyday household item in the Capitol, so I picked up my mother's whilst she prepared supper and went into what would be my bedroom for the night and dialled Peeta's house phone. It rang three times before Peeta picked up the phone. "Hello?" he said in his beautifully sweet voice.

"Hey Peeta, it's me." I said, sitting down on the bed. "Katniss!" Peeta exclaimed, evidently pleased I called. "How are you?" he asked immediately. I felt the quilt of my bed, feeling comforted by it. I was trying to stay grounded. "Much better." I said, feeling relaxed as I laid back on the bed and closed my eyes, letting his voice wash over me. "Good." He whispered and I could hear the happiness in his voice. The following conversation with Peeta was odd, to say the least. It was like I had truly accepted the fact we were a couple. We had left our friendship pretence behind. I told him about my interview the next day and he wished me luck. He told me he was healing well and should be fine by the time I returned home. We spoke for hours, until my mother told me to get off the phone and come and get my supper. "I'll call you tomorrow Peeta, okay?"

"Okay," He said. "I love you." Those three words made me smile and I reflexively replied, "I love you more." He was silent for a moment and I wondered if that was the wrong thing to say. Ugh, I was so self-conscious. "Not possible." He said simply before the phone went dead and I was left to ponder on what had just happened. I went into the kitchen and joined my mother for supper. She playfully teased me about my relationship with Peeta and I went to bed genuinely happy. For the first time in months, I wasn't plagued by confusion or doubt.

I loved Peeta. That wasn't a problem or confusing, it was a fact. All I had to figure out now was to stop loving him so much that it made me stupid. Which was hard, because trying not to love Peeta would be one of the most difficult things I'd ever have to do in my entire life. But I had to try, for the sake of us.


	11. Desire

I woke up from another nightmare, which was something to be expected now that I wasn't sleeping in Peeta's arms. I didn't scream out loud this time, which was lucky, because I didn't want to wake my mother up. I was breathing heavily and covered in uncomfortable cold sweat. Kicking the hot blankets to the side, I swung my legs out of the bed and gently stood on the floor, losing my balance again for a moment and falling back onto the bed with a thud. I lay there for a moment, wondering what was wrong with me. I had to concentrate on my breathing, taking deep breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth. After a few minutes, I felt better.

Now that I was focused slightly better, I could hear a voice in the other room. It was muffled, but I was sure it was my mother's. I wondered what time it was and saw that it was still before dawn. I didn't want to walk out looking a mess and worry my mother, but I didn't feel like going back to bed. I'd only had a few hours sleep and with my interview with Caesar today, I knew that this was a bad decision. But I didn't have Peeta around to convince me to do the right thing, so I took the reckless option. I sat on my bed, wondering what to do, trying not to eavesdrop on my mother's conversation.

Through no fault of my own, her voice seemed to become clearer the less I wanted to hear it, until I found myself listening to what she was saying. "I've never seen her like this." Assuming she was talking about me, I wondered if my mother meant this is a positive or negative way. "When her father died, she pushed me so far away; I didn't even feel like her mother anymore." I tensed up at the mention of my father and my shameful previous actions towards my mother. I was old enough now to know that I was only acting out of anger and sadness. It was my way of dealing with things.

In a way, I didn't regret my actions. They brought me to where I was today. If I hadn't've behaved that way, myself and my mother wouldn't be here today. My only regret was Prim. If I could've done something to save her, I would've. But I couldn't. That helplessness was something I never wanted to feel again. "Sometimes I'd see her look at me, as if to say, 'You don't know me and you never will.'" My mother spoke quietly down the phone, the hurt evident in her voice. Memories of my younger self isolating my mother back in our cottage in District 12 washed over me.

"But I do know her." My mother sighed, choking back tears. "And I know that she has so much love in her heart. But the thought of letting it all out; showing her cards, scares her to death." The accuracy of my mother's statement shocked me into an epiphany. I was scared of my own feelings for Peeta, because those feelings were love. I loved Peeta. I had said it before, told him, but only because I thought it. I had never felt it. But now I realized it, and my chest felt heavier. For the first time, I wondered who my mother was speaking to. As if she could hear my thoughts, my mother answered my question. "Thank you, Dr. Aurelius."

Of course, my mother would always be looking out for me like this. She was talking to my doctor because she was worried about me. I heard the receiver click dead and my mother burst into quiet tears. Getting up from my bed, I opened the door, but she didn't look up. She was leant on her arm, crying against the table. I walked over to her and rubbed her back in comfort. She didn't respond physically, but after a few moments she whispered a thank you through her tears.

I sat with her for hours, until the sun came up over the horizon and the gentle bubble of chatter flowed out on to the streets as people of the Capitol went about their daily business. I did not cry, because I was stronger now. I knew what I had to do. When my mother finally pulled herself together, she said nothing of the event and neither did I. In many ways, I was like her. Physically, I was unfortunate enough to take my father's side, with Prim inheriting my mother's beauty. But emotionally, we were very similar, and both quite happy to ignore this moment of weakness and act as if it had never happened.

During the day my mother got a call from Caesar himself, asking to postpone the interview until next week. I was fine with this change, as it gave me more time to prepare myself, although all I would really do was dread it. I got so nervous about speaking in public. That was something Peeta was much better at. The week passed much faster than I wanted, but I knew that time waited for no-one. Time was a constant. It kept going, no matter if you were going through a good time or a bad time. Time was the one thing I could rely on, forever.

Before I knew it, it was the night of my interview. My mother braided my hair in its formal style, which was very intricate work. I remembered even Cinna had trouble recapturing it, but the thought of him now brought me pain, so I pushed it from my head. Before I knew it, I was backstage with my mother and I could hear the crowd shouting and screaming in excitement as Caesar warmed them up. The other side of backstage was blocked off, which was different and I couldn't help but wonder why. It had been so long since I'd been here, so I didn't think anything of it.

"Please welcome, Katniss Everdeen!" I heard Caesar shout, grasping me from my train of thought. As I walked out on to the stage the headlights blinded me, their searing heat seeping into my skin. I couldn't see Caesar very well at all, just his outline, which I blindly stumbled towards, whilst the crowd were chanting my name. Caesar pulled me in for a hug which I hesitantly reciprocated before sitting down on the sofa opposite him. I had no prep team or Haymitch now, it was time to be myself.

"It's so lovely to see you." Caesar said with a smile and I noticed he had changed his appearance once again. He was still recognisable, but he had dyed his hair seaweed green and was wearing aquatic style make-up. "Likewise." I said with a smile. "So, how have you been?" I momentarily thought about letting him in on the truth. About the months I simply sat in my chair, not moving at all. The nights I'd spend waking up from nightmares screaming, longing for Peeta's arms around me. The feelings I felt consuming me, eating away at me until I wasn't sure who I was. But that was all in the past now, and I had to be strong. After all, I was the Mockingjay and there was no way the Capitol citizens could ever understand me.

"I've been wonderful, thank you Caesar." I said sweetly, which seemed to satisfy him. When asked what I had been up to, I made-up some trivial tasks around the village that everyone would believe. We hovered along small talk for a while, but this seemed to please everyone. Surely this couldn't be the whole reason I was dragged all the way to the Capitol as a high priority mission? Maybe they really had just wanted to make sure I was okay. And for once, I was putting on a good show. I was just wishing Peeta was here to experience it with me.

I had rung his house every day since being here, but lately he hadn't been answered. I figured he was simply asleep or busy when I called, but he never called back. That hurt me a lot, but I knew it wouldn't be long until I went home to him, so I tried to block out my paranoid feelings.

"Now Katniss, we have somewhat of a surprise for you..." Caesar teased, his voice lingering. "Oh, yes?" I asked, my eyebrows raised, playing along whilst being genuinely interested to see what he had to reveal. At that moment, the audience cheered out in a deafening roar, making me jump. Caesar was looking past me and I turned around to see Peeta walking out on to the stage. "Peeta!" I screamed in surprise. I forgot about everyone else who was watching and leapt up from the couch, running towards him in the most unelegant way possible.

His arms were out to embrace me and I jumped the last foot or so between us, landing in his arms. I felt his arms flex against my legs as he held me up and kissed me. My hand brushed down the side of his face as our lips met and I immediately felt the warmth in my body only he could bring. He smiled at me and somewhere in the distance I could hear the crowd fawning in joy. Slowly, Peeta set me down on my feet and took my hand in his. I curled his fingers in mine and squeezed them tightly. I felt him squeeze back, then lead me back over to the couch, where he sat down first and pulled me down gently into his side, putting his arm around me. I heard a few more "aww's" from the crowd and I looked at them for the first time, smiling around at them. Everybody looked so happy. Even my mother was smiling, backstage. I wondered if she had been in on this surprise.

"Well, that was some entrance." Caesar commented and the crowd cheered in agreement. Peeta gave an adorable laugh before replying, "Thank you Caesar, it's wonderful seeing you again." I knew the Capitol were just as captivated by Peeta's beauty as I was and as insane as it sounded, it made me feel jealous and protective. He was mine. I found myself thinking back to wait Peeta and I had made love and suddenly I couldn't wait to get out of this interview. I didn't speak much anymore, just listened to Peeta forming perfect words, getting lost in his deep voice. I felt like an honoured member of the audience. Peeta worked the crowd and they all fell in love with him all over again. Fell in love with _us_.

"Katniss?" Peeta said, turning to face me. "Yes, Peeta?" I replied, feeling him pull his arm from around me. I immediately missed it, but he cupped my face with his hand and I was comforted by this instead. "I love you." He said, his shimmering cerulean eyes staring straight into my dull grey ones. I expected the crowd to go wild, but they remained silent, waiting on tenderhooks to hear my response. I realized I had never publicly declared my love for Peeta, and this was my chance to prove everything to him. Rubbing his hand on my face with my fingertips, I told him, "I love you too."

Peeta's face broke out into an ecstatic beam. I don't think I'd ever seen him happier. We both leaned forward and kissed and I heard the end of interview music playing as we broke away from the kiss. Me and Peeta rose from the couch, waving to the crowd and leaving the stage, saying our goodbyes to Caesar. I couldn't wait to get Peeta away from the public eye, because right now, I wanted him so much.


	12. Mine

**A/N: This is where the M rating really kicks in, if you know what I mean. ;)**

We were ushered out of the building alongside my mother so we wouldn't be bothered further by the citizens of the Capitol. When we were outside, there were two cars waiting for us. I looked at Peeta questioningly. "I'm staying in a hotel." He explained and made his way over to the car. I stood awkwardly for a moment, unsure of what to do. I turned to my mother to ask her what she thought, and saw her smiling.

"Go," she said. "It's what you want." With a hug, I left her side and opened the car door, making Peeta jump. I saw the shock flash momentarily in his eyes as I sat on the seat beside him and closed the door beside me with a slam. "Katniss, what are you doing?" he asked indignantly, his voice raised. I turned to face him, staring into his deep blue eyes. "Your mother-" he started, looking out of the window beside me.

As he leant over to look out of the window I pulled his face into mine for a kiss. It was short and tender, but when I let go of the back of his hand, I whispered to him. "Right now, you're the only person in the world I want to be with. My mother understands that." Better than I do, I finished mentally. I found it odd how my mother understood my feelings better than I did, I thought to myself as I stared out of the window, watching as the car my mother had entered rolled out of sight and the Capitol began to rush by.

I felt Peeta's hand creep over the luxury leather seats of the car and into mine. I accepted it in mine without turning to look at him and that seemed to suit us both just fine. Peeta understood that I wasn't as in touch with my emotions as he was. He never pushed me and he let me realize my love for him at my own pace. Even though I had just publicly announced that I had loved him, I had a tendency to push and pull and I couldn't appreciate Peeta enough for bothering to keep up with. Everybody else would just push me away if I did this with them.

Peeta and I held hands for the whole journey, until he took his hand out of mine to unclip his seatbelt and open the car door. I sat still for a moment, missing the warmth his hand had created in my palm. I was dazed momentarily and by the time I had unclipped my seatbelt, Peeta was stood by my side of the car and opening the door for me. He offered me a hand and pulled me gently to my feet. I smiled at him and he returned the smile as he shut the door behind me and the car sped away, the grumpy Capitol driving not caring for us at all.

Peeta held my hand as he led me into the hotel. The receptionist recognised Peeta and gave him a look of interest which he politely ignored and which caused me to suppress an animal growl growing in my throat. Maybe Peeta sensed this, because he sped up considerably as we walked through the lobby and to the elevator.

The elevator door shut behind us and Peeta used the hand not held in mine to press the top floor button which binged as the button lit up. I was silent, wrapped up in my thoughts, which Peeta did not disturb. Of course I was foolish not to realise that so many others would want him. That receptionist wasn't the only one. There would be people all of Panem who loved Peeta. People who could love him so much better than I could. Maybe I should let one of these people love Peeta. Haymitch's words from so long ago resound in my head.

"_You could live a hundred lifetimes and still not deserve him, you know."_

As the elevator door opened, I suddenly realised just how selfish I had been. I had been holding Peeta back for myself, when there were people out there who could give him so much more than I could. Women who would _want_ to bear his children, women who weren't haunted by death, women who didn't wake up every night screaming.

I barely even realise I'm moving as Peeta leads me to his room. I've never been in a hotel before, apart from the one I stayed in before the Games, which I preferred not to think of. Peeta's room was the only room on this floor, I noticed as we walked down the wide singular corridor and he let go of my hand to unlock the door. I missed his warmth, before realising I didn't deserve it.

I walked into the apartment and Peeta closed the door behind me. I stood awkwardly for a moment, not sure what to do. This was not how I had imagined our reunion. I had thought of passion and fire, but everything inside of me had dwindled away from that one look. I wanted Peeta to be mine, but I knew he shouldn't be. He belonged with someone who could give him everything he wanted.

"I can't do this." I blurted out, my voice cracking. Peeta turned to face me, his eyes wide. "What?" He asked. I cleared my throat and began again. "I can't do this."

"Do what?"

"Be with you, like this. I can't."

"Katniss, we're just hanging out. What's wrong?" He went to step towards me but I took a step back. Peeta raised his eyesbrows and asked me again, "What's wrong?"

"I can't believe I've been this selfish. I can't believe I've been holding you back for me, when really you deserve someone who won't mess you around like I have." Peeta stared at me in disbelief, his eyes shimmering. I couldn't believe I was about to do this. "I can- let you go now." I said with a pause. Of course, this was a lie. I wouldn't be able to function without him, but he wasn't to know this. If there was even a fraction of a chance Peeta could be happy without me poisoning his life, I'd take it. I'd walk through fire for it. He would get over me, eventually.

I thought about giving Peeta a goodbye kiss, but the gobsmacked look on his face made me decided against it. "I'm so sorry, Peeta. I love you, but you deserve so much better." I turned on my heel and walked past him out of the apartment and made my way to the elevator. I heard Peeta chasing me, but I was already down the corridor, about to enter the elevator, when I felt his strong arms around my waist, pulling me back.

"You might be ready to let go of me, but I'm not ready to let go of you." He whispered, his breath hot in my ear, sending shivers down my spine. I tried to struggle against him, but he held me tight, pulling me out of the elevator and the doors closed, so I had to face him. It took all the strength I had to keep my walls standing, but I felt weak. Leaving him was the hardest thing I would have to do.

"Peeta, no." I said, leaning away from him, trying my best not to hurt him. Maybe it was better to hurt him for now, if it meant he could be happier in the short term. "You deserve someone better than me." I pulled myself out of his grasp and waited for the elevator to return.

"I don't care who I deserve, I just want you!" Peeta shouted, his voice echoing around the hallway. I never got over how attractive he was when he was angry. It was inappropriate and odd, but I couldn't help it. Peeta's arms were either side of me, pinning me to the wall, his face a mere inches from mine. "What do I have to do to prove that to you?" he whispered, his eyes locked on mine.

I dropped his gaze, my eyes on the floor, but I felt his finger underneath my chin, pulling his face back into my vision. "I just feel like you could do so much better." I answered honestly, and I could tell my words had hurt him. "For me, there is no-one else." Peeta said, his voice breaking the silence that had lingered in the air. I took his face in my hands and felt him lean into them, feeling our skin touch. "I just want you to be sure that you won't wake up one day and feel differently. I don't think I could handle that Peeta. I'm so in love with you, I don't know what to do. Peeta, I'm scared. I'm broken and I'll never be better, with or without you. I don't want to drag you down with me, because you're so young and you deserve so much better, but I honestly don't know what-"

He cut my off there, silencing me with a kiss. I had at first considered this kiss a final goodbye, which is why I had allowed it. But I couldn't bring myself to end it. I found my hands exploring the planes of Peeta's back, twisting in the blond curls at the nape of his neck and running passionately through his hair. We hovered back towards his apartment door, still entangled in a kiss, gasping for air and he shut the door behind us.

Peeta whirled us towards his bedroom and I still had no idea what his apartment looked like. All I cared about was him and me, us, right now, here in this moment. I heard the sound of another door closing over the sound of our heavy breathing and panting. I felt the back of my legs come into contact with his bed and fell backwards on to it.

Peeta landed gently on top of me, manoeuvring himself well. We both leant up, barely breaking our kiss as we undressed each other, desperate to make contact. After what felt like an eternity, Peeta was naked in front of me and I was free to marvel at his beautiful body. I ran my hands all along his body, his warm skin sending a burning sensation throughout my own. I pushed him down onto the bed and began his lips, moving down to his chin and jaw until I was kissing the hollow at his neck, feeling his pulse throbbing hard beneath my lips. I loved that I could do this to him.

My hand was resting on his chest as I was kissing him and I could hear his heart rate increase as I slowly kissed down his body. I felt his erection brush against my stomach and I purposely rolled my body against it, causing Peeta to lunge into me subconsciously. I heard him grunt and licked down his chest. It occurred to me how different this was to the first time Peeta and I had made love. We knew we both loved each other and we both knew how the other worked. This was sex. Our bodies fit so perfectly together, we could afford to be adventurous with each other. I had missed him so much; I wasn't go to hold anything back. For all I knew, this could be the last time I ever felt him, so I had to make it worthwhile.

My hand slid down his chest from his heartbeat to his throbbing erection until I was holding it in my hand, gently jerking it up and down. I felt Peeta moan out in pleasure, his body thrusting into my jerks, so I pinned my down with my other arm as I kissed further and down his chest, past his naval until I was face to face with his manhood. Working him with my hand, my mouth descended on his penis and the taste was like nothing ever before.

An animalist desire took over me as I sucked and I felt Peeta's hands running through my hair. I ran my hands back up Peeta's chest and I felt him shiver from my touch, his body buckling underneath me. I loved that I could do this to him. I kept going for a while, listening to Peeta's heavy pants until I felt him clench up. Knowing he was close, I pulled away from him and rolled underneath him. Peeta didn't seem to mind the change of pace as he quickly rolled on top of me, getting himself in position to enter me.

I smiled up at him and he looked the sexiest I'd ever seen him. Sweat dripped from his brow and I'd never seen him looking so masculine. I pulled him closer to me, enveloping him in a hug and planting a passionate kiss on his lips as he entered me. As soon as he was inside me, he began to thrust away and my hands scratched down his expansive back, surely leaving scars? I didn't care right now, I'd deal with that later. The pleasure that ran through my veins was indescribable and I couldn't even remember why I'd thought about leaving Peeta. If he was trying to give me a reason to stay, it was working.

Peeta's thrust increased in speed and intensity and I felt his large member digging into my wetness. I pushed back with my own force and we folded into an oblivion of love and lust. Peeta held me close, kissing me all over as I had to done to him and I don't think I'd ever felt such desire in my life. The fire I had felt inside of me all my life ignited into a full on blaze, every cell in my body longed for him as I slammed our bodies together, needing him as close as possible. I called his name out over and over in desperation as we came towards our end. I didn't want this to end.

His hands were running all over my body and his kisses were leaving flaming hot burn marks where they left damp marks on my skin. Nothing seemed to make sense any more, this was so different to last time. If I thought I had experienced sex before, this was something else. Peeta was taking me to levels of pleasure I didn't even know were possible. My hands ran up his back one final time before knotting in his hair, pulling his forehead against mine as I stared into his eyes.

His oceanic blue eyes stared into my grey ones and we looked deep into each other's eyes, almost as if we could see into the other's soul. He kept his eyes on me as he finished with his last few desperate thrusts before I felt him explode inside of me, his seed shooting right up into me, making me feel warm and content inside as I ran out my own orgasm, holding Peeta close, feeling his heartbeat against mine. I tried my hardest not to close my eyes from the overwhelming pleasure, but I couldn't fight it anymore. Peeta just watched me as if I were the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

When I opened my eyes, he was staring at me and he tucked my messy hair behind my ear, pulling out of me and pulling me into his arms. There was no resistance, because he had utterly tired me out. The warmth that spread between us was incredible and I nestled into it. Peeta had pulled us into the spoon position, but I shifted in his grip to face him, planting a kiss on his nose as his eyes were closed. He did not open them, but his eyelids fluttered and he smiled. "Mine." He whispered, before I felt him fall into a deep sleep, his arms wrapped around me.


	13. Remember

Opening my eyes to the world, I felt Peeta's warm arms still wrapped around me. My hands were on his shoulders and my fingers traced his bones and shoulder blades, sending a shiver through me. I watched Peeta sleeping beside me, his breath in my face. Each exhalation blew across my hair and skin, but it was not uncomfortable. Our faces were only inches apart and I could see every perfection on Peeta's face. My eyes trailed across his pale skin, the way his ashy blond hair fell over his forehead and how long and blond his eyelashes were. They whispered in sleep as Peeta's eyelids flickered. I tensed for a moment, wondering if he was going to wake up, but he relaxed into sleep again.

I turned gently in his grasp, hoping not to wake around him. I was facing outwards and I slowly slipped my legs out of the bed. My feet touched the floor gently. Even though he was asleep, Peeta's arms were locked tightly around me and I knew this was because he was afraid of having a nightmare. He always felt better when someone was there when he woke up. As gently as possible, I slipped out of his arms and stood up beside the bed. I turned back to face Peeta and watched him sleep for a few minutes. I felt anchored to the spot, as if there was some invisible force begging me not to leave him.

Memories of last night washed over me and I felt myself getting lost in them as I got dressed, picking up my clothes from the floor which I had so carelessly discarded last night. An unfamiliar yet genuine smile creeped onto my face and I touched my lips, not really believing it. I could still feel the heat Peeta's lips had left all over me. I leant down to plant a kiss on Peeta's cheek, feeling his flushed skin under my lips. "Goodbye, Peeta." I managed to choke out in a whisper as I turned to leave. I felt something warm grab my wrist and I flinched around.

Peeta was still lying down, his arm outstretched, his hand wrapped around my wrist. His crystal blue eyes were looking up at mine, confusion swirling around in them. "Why do you keep saying goodbye?" he said, his voice deep and husky from being asleep. Despite the intensity of his words, I couldn't help but notice how sexy his voice sounded when he had just woken up. It was as if I were truly hearing him for the first time.

"Because it's all I know." I said, trying to pull my arm out of his grasp, but his strength far outmatched my own and he refused to let go. Still holding to me, he pulled himself out of bed. I tried not to look at him, my gaze averting to the opposite side of the room. I obviously wasn't subtle about this, because I heard Peeta chuckle. "You just had sex with me for the second time last night, yet you still can't bear to look at me naked?"

How wrong he was. The reason I didn't want to look at Peeta like this was because he was simply so beautiful, I knew the more I got accustomed to him the harder I would find it to leave. I wanted to regret last night and think of it as a mistake, but I knew I would never be able to do that. When I felt Peeta turning me around, he was wearing a pair of trousers and had buckled on a belt, but his chest was still bare. My eyes flickered across it before meeting his face.

"What was your plan? I live next door to you anyway." Peeta laughed at me and I couldn't help but feel belittled. This belittlement caused my next response to come out angrier than I had intended, "I'm not coming back to District 12." My eyes were locked with his as my fire blazed around the room, in the same way it had last night, only in a very different context. I watched Peeta's eyes harden as he realised what I meant by this.

"Where were you going to go?" He asked me, his voice catching. His question caught me off guard as I hadn't really planned anything, but he spoke again before I had chance to answer him. "To Gale?" he asked, the hurt evident in his voice. I contemplated his question for a moment and I knew I couldn't lie to him. "I don't know." I whispered and Peeta's face fell.

I contemplated the idea of going to District 2 with Gale. It would help to fix my friendship with Gale, but I knew he wanted something more and I was too tired to have to push him away constantly. Right now, I'm the kind of tired that so amount of sleep will ever fix. "Don't you want me anymore?" Peeta asked me, pulling me out of my plans.

I faltered for a moment, annoyed that he could even think this. "It's completely the opposite. I'm scared of how much I want you." I spoke honestly and for once my eyes were locked with his as I opened up about my emotions in private. These were things I didn't tell anyone, yet here I was, telling Peeta. "Why are you scared?" Peeta asked, trying to hold my face, but I pulled away and walked out of the room. He followed me as I walked into his lounge and hovered protectively between me and the door. "Talk to me Katniss, please. I just need to know. I can't let you go without knowing there wasn't anything I could have done to stop you." He gestured for a seat and I stood defiantly for a moment before sitting down, knowing I owed him that. He sat down next to me, still topless.

"Aren't you cold?" I asked tonelessly, my eyes on his chest a moment too long. I saw him watching my gaze, before he waved off my question. "That's irrelevant. Katniss, why are you scared?" I was starting to find Peeta's questions hard to deal with and this annoyed me, which I took out on him. "Why do you have to know? Why can't you just let me go!" I began to shout things and Peeta recoiled momentarily, before he reached his arm out and grabbed mine. I tried to shake him off but he wouldn't let go and I promised myself I wouldn't cry. I felt so angry, scared and confused.

All these pent up emotions rise inside of me and I could feel my destructive fire burning inside of me. The only thing that kept me gripping onto reality was Peeta's arm, which was clenched around me, his muscles tensed. I pulled and scratched and I felt the tears finally spill over my eyelids but he wouldn't let go. Finally my shouts descended to just noises in the darkness. My vision was hazed by an anger I didn't even know I had, but I could see what my destructive behaviour was doing to Peeta. He had tears in his eyes, but he was obviously more in control than I was, because he concentrated on keeping me calm, to no avail. I didn't know why I was acting the way I was. I just found it hard to believe that Peeta could still love me after everything we'd both been put through.

There had been so much screaming and crying that after half an hour I was exhausted, drips of blood smudged into my skin from my physical struggle. I didn't know if it was mine or Peeta's but I was so ashamed of my behaviour that I didn't want to stop, because I knew I'd have to deal with the ramifications. I knew Dr. Aurelius had been correct when he had said I'd had a mental illness. This wasn't right. I was going crazy. My struggles must have got stronger because Peeta had to wrap both his arms around me and pull me into his chest to restrain me. Even through my rage, I felt comforted. Slowly, I began to shut down and relax into him. I was just so tired. I couldn't keep fighting anymore.

My voice cracked from all the screaming and I went silent, falling back into Peeta's chest. Why Peeta ha d bothered to stick around for a crazy old witch like me was beyond me. I felt his head move towards my ear before he whispered through my hair, "Finished?" I felt a smile in his voice and wondered why it was there, but I didn't move. "Now," Peeta said in a calm voice, "You're going to listen to me." I didn't like the tone he was taking with me, but I still refused to even acknowledge he had spoken, out of stubbornness.

"You're acting like this, because you're afraid. You're scared that being with me means you will finally have to settle down. You're worried that one day you'll wake up to find that one of us feels different. You're the Mockingjay and you don't want to be trapped this way. You want to be free, but you want to be loved. You want someone to love you, but you want it to be me. You need me just as much as I need you, you just don't admit it because you don't know."

"Know what?" I whispered, in defeat, genuinely shocked at how accurate Peeta's words were.

"You don't know that I will **never** leave you. I will never wake up feeling differently and I know that, even though I'm only young, I am positive that there will never be anybody else who can mean as much to me as you do." He loosened his grip on me slightly, so it wasn't restraining but protective. "And if you wake up feeling differently, I will learn to deal with it. But even after all that, I will still love you. You're so scared of opening up that you're beginning to close yourself down. But you can't do that to me, because I went through all of this with you. I'm the only one who understands because I was by your side through both of the Games."

He brought his arms to my sides, so I was free to break out of his grip if I wanted to, but I couldn't bring myself to. I had to hear what he wanted to say. Everything he had said about me so far had been so true it had scared me, but I refused to give in to the fear. "I know you better than you want me to. It's okay to need me Katniss, I'm not going anywhere. It doesn't make you weak. Loving someone, that's what makes you strong."

"How can you say all of this? I just acted like an animal in the middle of your hotel."

"True, but nobody else saw it and we can pretend it didn't happen, if that's what you want. This is the darkest part of you and you're not afraid to show that to me, which proves to me that you love me; something I wanted to know all along. You can try and push me away all you want Katniss, but I'm not going anywhere, because at night-time when you're all alone, you'll find yourself wishing I was there."

I couldn't believe how this one conversation changed everything. This wasn't the first time this had happened with Peeta, I remembered back to when we had bathed together and thought of the reason behind it. Blood had scabbed around my fingernails and catching and image of us on the sofa in the mirror, I saw what a mess I looked. Peeta had a few cuts and grazes on his skin where I had carelessly dug into him with my frenzy, but he was still amazing. I caught him staring at me in the mirror and I turned slightly, to face his gaze.

"You are so beautiful." He said to me, a smile lingering at his lips. I shifted all the way around until my legs were over his and he pulled me into his chest. Contrary to my previous question of whether he was cold, Peeta's chest was warm and I nuzzled myself into it. I concluded that Peeta's warmth must come from his personality, because there was no way someone could constantly radiate this much heat without it being uncomfortable. Peeta's ran his hand through my hair in a rhythm which comforted me.

"I'm nothing compared to you." I said, after a few minutes silence. He stopped brushing my hair for a moment, then carried on as if I hadn't spoken. "We'll have to agree to disagree on that one, dear." I slapped him gently on the chest and I felt his laughter against me. He rested his chin on my hand and put his arms around me. I noticed the blood slowly seeping from his cuts and mine, my olive skin against his white. Our arms brushed together.

"I'm sorry about the cuts-" I began but he shushed me and I was silent. "You needed to get it all out." He said, as if what I had just done was a positive thing. I began to think that I could do the most evil things in the world and Peeta would still find a way to make good out of it, for my sake. "I just want you to remember Katniss, things won't be easy for us, but they will be worth it – okay?" He lay still for a moment, waiting for my response.

"I promise I'll remember. How could I forget?"


	14. Perspective

**A/N: ****Kates212**** reviewed this story and asked me to write a chapter from Peeta's POV, so this chapter will be written from Peeta's point-of-view, rather than Katniss'. Let me know what you think! :-)**

As I held Katniss in my arms, I couldn't help but find myself thinking how fragile she was. Since her father had died, she had spent all her life projecting this image of strength to all of those around her, being stoic for the sake of others, but deep down she wasn't as strong as she liked to believe. Katniss' weakness was her vulnerability. I knew she needed me as I needed her. As long as she needed me, I would be there.

I shifted off of the couch and Katniss looked up at me questioningly. Reaching my arm, she took my hand without hesitation and I pulled her up to her feet. "I think it's time for you to experience your first shower." I said with a smile and her eyes sparked with interest. She raised her eyebrow questioningly and I answered her unasked question with, "Life's all about experiences, Katniss."

I led her to the bathroom, knowing she was in such a fit of passion last night she wouldn't be able to find it without my help. As I thought of last night, I found my dick twitching in interest. Shaking the horny thoughts from my mind, I opened the door to the bathroom and led Katniss inside. She stood before the transparent cubicle and looked at me, waiting for me to elaborate. I opened the glass case door and pressed the button which turned the water on. She jumped back from the water as it made her jump, then composed herself, obviously embarrassed by her reaction. I saw a tint of pink flush beneath her olive cheeks as I showed her how all the nozzles on the shower worked.

Even though we had both spent a lot of time in the Capitol, I knew Katniss had only ever had baths, not a shower. Hopefully this new experience would take her mind off of the day. As I finished explaining, she looked bewildered, until she noticed I was looking at her and her expression changed to somewhat determined. I stood awkwardly for a moment, before deciding it was probably best to leave her to it. As I made for the door, her voice stopped me. "Are showers designed for just one person then?" Her voice trailed off suggestively and I had to compose myself before turning around to face her.

My voice caught in my throat when I turned around to see Katniss' dress from the interview last night hanging from her hips, her top half bare except from her bra, which complimented her full breasts wonderfully. My eyes ravaged over her body until I met her eyes and she shifted whimsically out of her dress and it slipped down her legs into a pile on the floor. She stepped out of her dress and turned away from me, reaching around her back and unclasping her bra, which fell to the floor onto of her dress. I could only stare in shock as she reached down and pulled down her underwear, revealing her ass to me.

I was fully hard now, my dick straining against my pants and trousers. I eventually found the words to speak, "Uh, I've heard some people like to shower together." I stuttered slightly, feeling stupid and flushed. "Well then." Katniss said, her eyes on me for a moment, leering over her shoulder, until she turned away and stepped into the shower, turning the water back on with a blast. Steam erupted from the shower and I stood rooted to the spot, unsure of what to do.

I must've stood still for too long, because Katniss peered around the glass frame, her hair dripping water all over the floor. The wetness accentuated her beautiful skin as her gray eyes pierced me with a look only she could muster. "Are you coming?" she asked me, her eyebrows raised. I could just make out the outline of her right breast as she leaned around the frame, which had fogged up from the steam from the shower. Her beauty overwhelmed me and I could only stand still, rooted to the spot. After a moment of motionless gaping, Katniss sighed and rolled her eyes before stepping out of the shower.

Water slid down her body and on to the floor, leaving wet puddles all over the tiles. She took slow steps towards me, her eyes locked on me like a predator locked on its prey. My eyes popped as I stared at her naked body, my eyes ravaging the parts of her I rarely got to see. I could swear I saw a flicker of a smile on her lips, but when I looked for further inspection; it was gone, replaced by her usual unreadable expression.

That was what I loved about Katniss; her unpredictability. As long as I was with her, life would never be boring. She could go from a blinding rage to a seductive shower in a matter of hours. She had described her behaviour as erratic, as if she were pushing and pulling me. This was true, but I was willing to keep up with these changes, because I knew that life with Katniss would be worth it. She made me happy, happier than I ever thought I deserved to be.

As I watched her walk towards me, I could already feel her. Even though we weren't touching, I could feel to overpowering force she brought with her. She was a hurricane of beauty and destruction, mixed into the perfect amount, to make something beautiful and deadly. In comparison, I felt like nothing. I was broken. We were both broken, but she managed to pull it off, to glamourise it in a way which only made me want her more. I loved her demons, her scars and her dark side. All of the things she was most ashamed of and too scared to voice aloud.

My eyes studied Katniss warily whilst I retained my stunned position. She reached her arm out and grabbed the waistline of my jeans, considering I wasn't wearing a shirt already. Her fingers brushed against the skin above my dick and I felt in flinch. I wasn't sure if she did or not, but something in her eyes made me feel like she did. It always felt like Katniss knew more than she let on. With a devious smile, she pulled me towards her and into the shower, still clothed.

The water beat down on me, soaking me to my core. The fabric of my trousers clung to my legs, making my erection painfully obvious. Katniss's gaze slipped down to my crotch momentarily and this time I definitely saw the smile flash across her face, before the expression was gone and she turned away from me. She lifted her arms above her head as she washed her face and the way it outlined the contours of her back, I couldn't help but stare.

My eyes slid down the smooth curve of her shoulder blade as she moved, the muscles in her back relaxing. Her olive skin shone brightly as the sun from the bathroom window gleamed on it and water from the shower cascaded down her slender back. There were freckles dotted against her skin and he lower back curved out to her hips perfectly, where her hipbones protruded, showing that she had grown up in District 12 and spent her life not eating enough, like most of us.

She was so beautiful. As the water drizzled down her body, I had to resist the urge to reach out and stroke my finrgertips down her. I felt the want building up inside of me, pushing out all of my other emotions. I reached out tentatively, my fingertips hovering millimetres from her skin. She exhaled and her back pushed out, making contact with my fingertips. She flinched momentarily, a mark of how nervous the Games had made her, but once she realized it was me, she stood frozen and I slowly stroked my fingers down the curve in her back where her shoulderblade was.

My fingertip left a trail of goose bumps and I took a step forward, my lips descending on her skin. I brushed gently against her skin and felt her shudder under my touch. I felt a surge of pride, being able to do that to her. All my life, Katniss had seemed somewhat of an unattainable dream, yet here I was, sharing a shower with her. I wondered to myself if there would ever be a time where she would be comfortable with the fact that she was in love with me, but I doubted there would be. This was her way of dealing with things.

She'd push me to see how far she could make me go, then pull me back when she was craving more. Some people might find it controlling, but it was Katniss. Maybe these were flaws, but I couldn't bring to hate them. I had accepted these things about Katniss before I had pried into her heart. I hadn't known what I would find and I still didn't now, but I was determined to find out. I wasn't going to stop until she was mine, forever. The sad thing that breaks some people apart is that once you get them, you stop doing the things it took to get them. I would never let this happen.

We were at the stage where I was so close it hurt. She was almost mine, but not quite and nowhere near entirely. But I knew I would catch her every time she fell. She shuddered before turning around to face me and I saw tears in her eyes. "Katniss, what's wrong?" I asked her, but she just shook her head before making to step out of the shower. Luckily, I was stood between her and the door, so I shut it behind me and stood in front of it, my arms folded across my chest. She looked at me threateningly and I shut the water off, so the only sound that could be heard was our heavy breathing and the dripping of water from the shower head.

"What are you doing?" Katniss said, her voice thick with anger, her eyes locked on me. I was in her path and probably about to get steamrolled, but there was no way I would back down. "What's wrong?" I answered her question with my own and I could see the frustration in her silver eyes. She reached past me for the door and I grabbed her arm with my hand, so she couldn't move. I hadn't applied much pressure and Katniss looked at me shocked, tears staining her cheeks. "Peeta, what are you doing?" Katniss repeated and my brow furrowed.

"Look Katniss, I've tried the gentle approach with you, but it doesn't seem to be working. Now tell me, what's wrong?" My eyes were locked on hers and I felt her falter under my gaze, before her eyes flickered away momentarily as she wiped away her tears. Her arm outstretched in my hand, I pulled it around my back and her in to me. Her face pressed into the hole in my chest and I felt her collide with me. My arms were around her in an instant, keeping her warm and I felt her shiver and shake against me.

"Katniss, please." I begged, willing for her to talk to me. She looked up at me and shook her head and I just sighed. We stood in silence for a moment, my wet trousers heavy and uncomfortable against my legs, but I couldn't bring myself to move away from her. I could feel her suppressing her tears, trying to be strong. I reached up and turned the water back on to keep us warm, as goose bumps had started to form all over my skin. We collapsed to the floor of the shower, her naked body on top of mine and she nestled in to me.

I realized how unconventional this was, but that was us. There was nothing normal about Katniss and I. I wondered if any two couples are ever the same. I doubted that they were. The thing is, love is universal yet unique. I could do nothing for Katniss except be the vessel she held on to when times were rough. That lack of power berated me, yet empowered me. The water and steam kept us warm until it felt like I was drowning in the moment.

I took this time to examine her. Her cuts from earlier looked much better, a red tinge in the water where her blood mixed with it. I didn't know what to make of what I saw. Suddenly, Katniss lifted her head and whispered to me, her voice barely audible above the shower. "I'm so tired, Peeta." She said, tears still stinging in her eyes.

I acted quickly, shutting off the shower and pulling her up into my arms, knowing she didn't even have the strength to hold herself anymore. I grabbed a warm towel off of the radiator and wrapped it around her and had the pleasure of watching her face light up momentarily and she shrugged into it for a moment, before dropping it to the floor. "What are you do-?" I began to ask before she slammed into my chest, her arms wrapping around me. "You're warmer." She said with a smile.

"But I'm still wet." I said with a laugh. "I don't care." She said, her hands brushing against my back gently. I stood there for a moment, before drying us both off with the towel whilst she hugged me. When we were dry, I plastered up our cuts and wounds from her rage before picking up into my arms and laying her down on my bed. She was already asleep in my arms before I set her down, throwing the blankets over her.

I walked back into the kitchen, cleaning around, giving my hands something to do as I thought about Katniss' behaviour. I didn't understand how she could go from teasing me to get into the shower with her to crying when I kissed her back. It didn't make sense. My thoughts were a swirl and I could feel myself getting frustrated. But this wasn't the usual emotion. My vision got hazy and shiny and I knew I was about t have an episode.

I ran to the phone and punched in Dr. Aurelius' number. He answered on the third ring, "Hello?" he answered tiredly. Some things never changed. "Doctor..." I managed to croak out and I guessed by my voice he immediately knew what was wrong. "Peeta, hold on. Think of her. She loves you, hold on to that." His voice was urgent and I gritted my teeth as his words sank in. _Katniss. Katniss. Katniss. Katniss. Katniss._ Her name through my memory and with it images of her veiled my vision.

I loved her so much; I didn't know what to do with it. She was both the cause and cure of my episodes. The thought of her made me stronger, but made the Capitol version of me angrier. A war raged inside of me and my fist curled and slammed against the table. I could feel my blood pumping around my body and I tried to remember that Katniss was sleeping. I didn't want to wake her, but I was finding it hard to hold on.

Doctor Aurelius was muttering words down the phone to me, but he seemed so far away it was hard to hear. He kept going over the therapy we had repeated when he treated me. He had made me think of Katniss, because she was what made me happiest, because I loved her so purely, in his words. Eventually, after much deep breathing and listening to Doctor Aurelius and millions of images of Katniss flying through my mind, I managed to fight the episode off. This was one of the first times I had done this and Doctor Aurelius congratulated me.

Now that my episode was behind me, the telephone conversation became slightly awkward. "So, how is Katniss?" he asked and I found myself reflecting on his question. I began to explain to him Katniss' erratic behaviour, moodswings, emotions and he listened intently, making no comments until I had finished. When I had, his tone turned grave.

"Get her home as soon as you can. I'll have medication at your house waiting for her. Make sure she takes it."

Fear flooded through me. "Medication. What for?"

"I feared this might happen, what with her depression. From what you described to me, it's obvious that Katniss has bipolar disorder."


	15. Inheritance

**A/N: I found writing from Peeta's POV much more interesting and challenging, so I'm going to carry on with it. I'll add another note when/if I switch back to Katniss' POV. :-)**

I felt like the floor had been pulled from beneath my feet. It was like darkness had reached into my chest, ripped out my heart and smeared it all over my life. I could feel myself falling into an incredible abyss and I wasn't sure I was ever going to stop. I put the phone down without another word and stood frozen, unsure of what to do. I had to make sure she was okay. It was irrational, but I had to know. Silently, I made my way to my room, where she sleeping.

I creaked open the door and light shone into the room. There she was sleeping soundly. I watched her chest rise and fall slowly as she inhaled and exhaled. I could hear her breath and the noise soothed me. I watched her for what felt like hours, but it comforted me, knowing that she was here, with me. It helped me a lot to know that she was safe. My mind was working overdrive as I tried to formulate how I would approach the impending situation with Katniss. I decided to call her mother.

By now, it was the late hours of the evening and I wasn't sure if Mrs. Everdeen would be awake or not. The gentleman in me thought against calling her, but considering Katniss' health was at risk he was easily silenced. I dialled the number I had obtained from Dr. Aurelius when he had told me to inform Katniss' family of her condition. The phone rang for so long I considered hanging up. Just as I was about to, Mrs. Everdeen answered the phone.

"Hello?" she said, her voice thick with sleep. I felt a pang of guilt for waking her, but knew she'd understand once she'd heard my succeeding words. "Hello, Mrs. Everdeen?" I whispered, careful not to wake Katniss. I wasn't sure how she'd react to me calling her mother. I didn't like going behind her back like this, but felt it was necessary. Katniss was so stubborn, she could do herself more harm than good.

"Peeta?" Mrs. Everdeen said, the shock evident in her voice. Between the two of us, we had never really had much a relationship. "What's wrong?" she concluded immediately, the shock in her voice turning to worry. She was an intelligent woman and she knew the only reason I would be calling her in place of Katniss was if something was wrong. I struggled to find the words.

"I just spoke to Dr. Aurelius... about Katniss." I heard a sharp intake of breath from the other end of the receiver as Mrs. Everdeen understood my words. "What did he say?" she said and her tone shifted. She was now in 'healer-mode'. I had heard her speak this way whenever she would heal a patient and I knew she was trying her best to suppress her emotions from the situation unfolding before her. However, I could empathise with how difficult that must be when the patient was her own daughter.

"He told me that Katniss has bipolar disorder." The words ripped out of me, leaving physical pain in my chest in their absence. I felt the air around me get darker as my words infected it. I couldn't believe this was happening. On the one hand, there was panic, but I knew that would dwindle once I adjusted to the situation. On the other hand, there was a sense of relief. I finally had a concrete reason as to why Katniss was constantly changing with me.

"Where is she now?" Mrs. Everdeen asked.

"Asleep."

"Good. I'm coming over. I don't want to have this conversation over the phone."

She had put the phone down before I even had a chance to respond. I listened to the dead buzzing sound for a while before putting my own phone down. I boiled the kettle and poured two mugs of tea, anticipating her arrival. Mrs. Everdeen wasn't far away from the apartment I had rented for my short stay, once of the deciding factors on where I had rented when Caesar had contacted me.

I had come to the Capitol to surprise Katniss in her interview. To let the citizens know we were both okay and very much in love. How much of that had been a lie? I wasn't sure myself and for the first time I realized how uneasy I felt about my actions. It was unfair of us to continue to present this lie to the Capitol about our relationship, pretending everything was okay when in fact it was the opposite. It was too late to back out now, so my worry was wasted. Hopefully we had given a convincing enough performance to be left alone for a few months.

There was a short, sharp knock on the door and I shuffled to answer it. I opened the door to Mrs. Everdeen who walked past me without a glance. Some people might consider this rude, but I knew she was just a focused woman. I could see now where Katniss had inherited some of her fire. I watched Mrs. Everdeen's gaze hover over the steaming mugs I had laid out on the table before disregarding them, searching random rooms.

I left her to it, but she came back to me without a word, looking at me expectantly until I pointed out which room Katniss was in. She rushed off again and I realized she just needed to see her, like I had minutes before. She returned moments later and sat down at the table where I was seated. I pushed her mug towards her and she accepted it gracefully, her body much more relaxed now she knew Katniss was okay.

Taking a sip of her tea, Mrs. Everdeen began, "I'm sorry, I just had to-"

"I did the same." I cut her off and saw the momentary surprise in her eyes, immediately replaced with understanding. "The way you love her, it reminds me of my husband." Mrs. Everdeen said, her bright blue eyes matching my own, peering over at me from her mug. I wasn't sure what to make of her words. Mr. Everdeen had been a great man and all of District 12 had admired the love the Everdeen's had shared.

I smiled at Mrs. Everdeen as she returned one back at me, continuing. "Your love for her is pure. It is the only good thing for her, right now." Her tone turned serious, "Take her back to District 12, it's where she belongs. She is to hunt and call both myself and Dr. Aurelius every day. She must take her medication." Mrs. Everdeen's tone faltered as she finished, "I'm sorry I can't help, I'm just not ready to return there."

But I understood. Prim's name hung thick in the air and the scars that remained from the rebellion became obvious. A lot of people were still healing. It was easy to forget that, when Katniss and myself where trapped in this self destructive bubble of love. I was beginning to doubt that I was good for her. Between my episodes and her bipolar, we were a match made in hell.

Draining her cup, Mrs. Everdeen stood up, bid her farewells and left. I understood her pain. Everyone was fighting their own battles inside. I yawned and for the first time I realized just how tired I was. I walked to my bedroom and saw Katniss there, still sleeping, but in a different position to last time I had checked on her. Undressing to just my underwear, I slipped into the bed as slowly as possible, as not to wake her.

Somehow, she sensed my presence. Neither awake nor asleep, she looked at me, but her eyes were empty. Nonetheless, she rolled over into me, creeping up into my arms and laying her head down on my chest. My arms took their customary place around her, where I knew she felt guarded. She sighed – but it was a happy sigh, before falling back into sleep. I listened to her breathing, watching her smile as she was sleeping and I knew she was far away and dreaming, rather than having a nightmare, for once. Comforted by this, I soon fell to sleep myself.

I woke up in the morning feeling refreshed for a moment, before the day crashed down over me and I remembered the events of last night. Once I realized I was alone in the bed, I jumped out, pulling on some clothes and searching the apartment for Katniss. I found her in the shower again and smiled to myself. I left, giving her her privacy.

I was packing my bags in the bedroom when Katniss walked in, fully clothed, her wet hair braided in my favourite smile. She set her bag next to mine and began to pack. We worked in relative silence until we were finished. Our train would depart at midday and it was only 10AM. Two hours to kill. Should I tell her now? No. I had to wait until we were back in District 12.

"I want to go and see Gale before we leave." Katniss said to me. I stumbled for a moment, unsure of how to respond. "Okay." I said slowly and she smiled, before planting a kiss on my cheek and walking out of the apartment. I knew it was stupid, but even now, I hated the thought of her being with Gale. I understood that he was her best friend, he made her happy and they had a lot of memories and healing to do, but that wasn't the problem. Him having feelings for her wasn't even a problem, it was just how he constantly felt the need to act on them and try to steal her away from me which bothered me. Mainly because I was scared that one day he might just succeed.

It was 11:38AM and I was beside myself with worry. Katniss still hadn't returned. We were going to miss our train. I couldn't allow that to happen. I had to get her back to District 12 to break the news to her. The phone rang and I picked it up on the first ring, hoping it was Katniss. It wasn't. It was Gale. "Hey Peeta," he sounded unusually cheery, considering we had come to blows during our last encounter. "Katniss and I are going to meet you at the station, okay? See you there!" He put the phone down because we were short on time and I grabbed our suitcases, rushing out the door, leaving my key at reception and left.

My thoughts whirled around my mind as I all but ran for the station, desperate to see her again. I hated being apart from her, even if it was for a few hours. I was so dependent on her, it was pathetic. It wasn't healthy. She wasn't healthy. I wasn't healthy. Nothing about our relationship was healthy and I was beginning to think that Gale might be a better fit for her than I could ever be.

I made my way into the station and found her immediately, in mid conversation with Gale. They seemed, happy. She hadn't smiled at me like that at all today. That genuine Katniss smile that convinced me she was okay. That smile that was so rare, it meant so much more than any other person's smile could ever mean.

I approached and Gale nodded towards me. Katniss turned to face me, her hair now dry, before turning back to Gale. I felt underappreciated and annoyed, so I just set her suitcase at her feet before taking mine on to the train. I had to remind myself not to be annoyed with her – that wouldn't convince her to return to District 12 with me. 11:58AM. The train was going to leave in two minutes, with or without us.

"C'mon Katniss!" I shouted from the train and she waved me away. I watched in pain as she pulled Gale in for a hug and I heard him say, "You'll call me every day, right?" to which she nodded. I wasn't sure how I felt about that, but I decided that I needed to stop being so controlling and trust Katniss. Her recovery was the most important thing right now, whether or not that included me didn't matter.

Katniss boarded the train just as the doors closed and it began to roll out of the station and away from the metropolis, into the rural surroundings. Katniss waved goodbye to Gale out of the window before sitting in the chair opposite me, never looking at me. How I was ever going to approach the subject was beyond me, especially on a day like this...


	16. Hope

Peeta has been acting strange around me since we left the Capitol. We barely spoke to each other during the train ride home and the only contact we really had was when we slept in each other's arms. Even then, there was much more space between us. I didn't like this awkwardness and I wondered where it stemmed from. I would catch him staring at me, and then his gaze would flicker away once he saw that I had noticed. Part of me wanted to ask him what was wrong, but for some reason I just couldn't bring myself to.

We returned home and I went back to my house and him to his. I didn't like the distance between us, but I wasn't really sure how to fix it either. As soon as I had unpacked what I took with me to the Capitol, I showered and changed into my hunting gear. It was late afternoon, not really the perfect time for hunting, but I just needed an excuse to be in the woods. They made me feel closer to Gale. I knew that it was fickle; to pine for comfort from him when I wasn't getting any from Peeta, but I had become so reliant on others that is was all I knew how to do.

I had become everything I ever hated. I remembered back in school when I would have a distain for girls who couldn't function without their 'boyfriend', but now I had become one of those girls, only much more intensely. I had always liked my intensity and matched by Gale's, I didn't feel alone. With Gale gone, I realized just how intense my emotions were and that this wasn't necessarily a good thing.

This wasn't a new thing. I had always felt these emotions, only I'd been strong enough to suppress them. Since everything I went through with Peeta, he had fought so hard for me to let him in, and when I finally had, the floodgates had opened. With my love for Peeta, came all the overwhelming emotions I had spent my whole life pushing away. I resented him a little for that. I resented myself for resenting him. I hated how he had made me weak. I hated how I had let him make me weak. But I could never bring myself to hate Peeta.

Never.

I left my house and was on my way out of my garden towards the woods, when I saw Peeta stood outside my gate. I stopped on the other side of my gate, looking at him. His head was down and his hands were stuffed in his pockets. When he heard me, he looked up, his eyes piercing mine. The emotions there were unreadable. I wasn't sure how to respond, so when he was still, I walked towards him, opening the gate and closing it behind me, along with the distance between us.

"Hey."

"Hi."

"What's up?"

"Take a walk with me?" Peeta had a habit of answering my questions with a question of his own. I hated it when he did that. I wondered if he knew that. I didn't say anything, but just nodded my head and followed him when he turned around and took off. I walked a footstep behind him, wondering where he was leading me. I would follow him regardless; I had made that much clear to Gale before.

I remained silent, knowing that he was trying to pluck up the courage to talk to me about what he wanted to say. The only noise was our feet crunching on the ground, until we reached the electric fence and Peeta climbed under without a look back. I followed him with much more ease, unhindered by a prosthetic leg like him. I wondered how he knew about this spot, but he only walked a few metres into the forest, not far from the trail before stopping and turning to face me.

I wanted to ask him how he knew about the woods, but I knew this wasn't the time. There was disguised pain in his eyes and I wondered why it was there. I waited quietly for him to begin. He took in a big breath and scrunched his eyes. I reached out to touch him comfortingly, but he flinched away from me. I looked away so he wouldn't see the momentary flash of rejection in my eyes, inching my body a little away from his.

"I spoke to Doctor Aurelius. Whilst we were in the Capitol." He paused, obviously waiting for my response, but there was none. "I told him I was worried about your behaviour. He asked me a few questions, and then told me that it sounded to him like you have... bipolar disorder." Peeta looked up at me through his long blond eyelashes with his sapphire eyes, gauging my reaction.

The first thing I feel is denial. I feel fine. This isn't happening to me. It's not true. My walls shoot straight back up and all the progress Peeta has made with me is retracted in an instant. Peeta stands watching me as I begin to shake with anger. I turn away from him without another word, back the way we came. He tries to grab me but I slip out of his grasp and begin to run back to my house. I hear Peeta shout after me but I ignore him. He tries to chase me, but he is not match for my speed, without even considering his artificial leg.

I roll under the fence without even stopping, the momentum carrying me forward and back to my feet instantly. Before long, I'm back at my house, picking up my phone and punching in the number I haven't dialled for a while. I'm out of breath and I try to regain my composure as the phone rings. "Hello?" I hear on the other end of the phone and it evokes unspeakable rage within me.

"How dare you!" I shouted down the receiver and I can almost feel Dr. Aurelius flinching away from it on the other end. "I haven't seen you in months and you diagnose me over the phone to Peeta? Do you know how stupid that is? Do you know how stupid you are? I can't believe you! I do **not **have any sort of disorder. I'm fine! I might be struggling, but I'm getting better. I don't need you judging me, when you haven't even seen me in months!"

I can hear him trying to explain over my shouts, but I do not let him. It isn't until I've shouted myself hoarse that I am forced to listen to him. Dr. Aurelius seems shaken up and his voice is faltering. "I realize that what I did was wrong. I regretted it as soon as Peeta put the phone down on me. I wasn't sure about the diagnosis I made, but I couldn't come and see you. My family are going through a hard time right now and I can't leave them. Peeta put the phone down on me before I could explain that your bipolar disorder was not certain, it was only a possibility. I sent medication as a precaution if your condition worsened, I explained that to Peeta. But I don't think he heard me. I'm sorry Katniss, this is a major mistake on my part. I hope you can forgive me."

I didn't understand what he was saying to me.

"So, you're saying, I don't have bipolar?"

"No, I'm saying it's impossible for me to make an accurate diagnosis over the phone."

I didn't know what to say to this, so I just remained quiet, waiting for my breathing to return to normal.

"You're strong Katniss, there's a possibility you emotional instability is simply your passion fighting with your depression."

I didn't want to believe that I could have bipolar disorder, so I took his words and ran with them.

"You're right. It's just me fighting my depression. Peeta just got over worried, that's what it is." I nod, affirming my words physically.

"Katniss, the medication you _might _require is with Peeta if you need it. I want you to call me before you take it, and explain to me why you are taking it. My actions up until now have been highly unorthodox and I'm sorry for messing the two of you around, but once the possibility of you having bipolar disorder was there, I had to get medication to you as soon as possible, so you didn't worsen. Having a civil conversation with you now, I highly doubt this is the case, but I want you start actually calling me Katniss, okay?"

I agree with his words and thank him for his time. I put the receiver down and think about what I have just been told. I'm certain I don't have bipolar disorder. It was just a scare, but a very real one. I need to stop this. My behaviour is just not acceptable, no matter what I've been through. I have to be strong now, because I can't keep doing this. When Peeta stumbles through the door, it's a testament to my speed that it's taken this long. I can tell his leg's hurting him, but he's looking at me alarmed. I walked up to him and hug him.

I feel him smelling my hair and he whispers to me, "Are you okay?" I nod into his chest and begin to explain my conversation with Dr. Aurelius with him. Once he realizes the part he had to play in this scare, he cannot stop apologising. "Katniss, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to overreact. I should've listened to him. I should've waited to hear that it was only a possibility, not a certainty. I'm so sorry."

But it turns out this scare is what I needed. It's opened to my eyes to my behaviour. I've been messing Peeta around and I can't keep doing this. I can't have people worrying about me. I have to recover from my depression. I knew Peeta could help me do this. After all, he was my dandelion in the spring. I smile at this thought and tell Peeta about my new found determination for recovery. We both decide that something positive has come out of this experience.

The next day, my mother calls me and I'm surprised to hear she thinks I have bipolar disorder. I explain the situation to her and hear her sigh of relief. I know she's annoyed at Peeta for worrying her, but she'll get over it. I'm okay, that's what matters. I decide it's time to take things slow. The months pass and I slowly fall into a routine. Wake, return home, wash, hunt, prepare dinner, eat, call Gale, call mother, call Dr. Aurelius (although these calls are fewer and further between as I recover), go over to Peeta's, fall asleep in his arms. I am stubborn enough to never take the medication, which remains locked away in Peeta's attic and happy enough to learn I do not require it. The moment I realized my behaviour had become so bad even a doctor suspected I had another disorder, I knew it was a time for change.

Peeta never pushes me, because he understands we both need time. Admittedly, we have taken a few steps back. We haven't had sex again, although I feel erections press against my back when I'm in his arms. These don't bother me, I understand it's just natural, but I feel more heat emanating from him in the form of embarrassment. His episodes still occur, but even less now that they're hardly worth mentioning. Spring has turned to summer, autumn and then winter and in this year alone, Peeta has only had a handful of episodes, which pleases me.

I have managed to pull myself out of my depression and Dr. Aurelius believes I have fully recovered. I am not a ball of sunshine, I never manage to pull off a genuinely warm smile, but this is simply my personality, not an illness. I have Peeta for all the warm things I'll ever need in life anyway. I wonder if this will all ever be enough. I hope that it will be. I really hope that it will be.


	17. Bump in the Road

I put the phone down to my mother with a sigh. She seemed distant today and I couldn't help but wonder why, but I knew better than to ask. Carrying on with my routine, I made my way over the Peeta's house in the rain. The raindrops dripped down over me, shaking me to my core. It was winter now and every drop felt like ice against my skin. By the time I reached Peeta's door I was covered in goose bumps and I allowed myself straight in. Peeta didn't mind, he usually expected around this time anyway.

Peeta wasn't in his usual space in the kitchen and there were no baking supplies around, so I searched around the house, first checking his painting space, but he was nowhere to be found. I went back downstairs into the kitchen and stood for a moment, unsure of what to do. Where was he? Suddenly, I heard a boisterous laugh from a few houses down and with a huff I stormed out of Peeta's house and back into the rain.

I ran over to Haymitch's house and barged in – niceties did not apply with Haymitch and I, it was an understanding we had both come to. The stench of alcohol overwhelmed me, so I left the door open behind me in a futile attempt to air his house out. The cold air rushed through the house as I stormed in the kitchen and found Haymitch and Peeta both howling with laughter. I allowed myself to feel a moment of relief, knowing Peeta was okay, before anger overtook me. I had never seen Peeta drunk before, so I wasn't quite sure how to react. I decided getting him away from Haymitch was the best thing to do.

Peeta was red in this face and his eyes were bloodshot. His hair was scuffed up and he held a bottle of vodka in his hand, taking another swig of the clear liquid and wincing before he saw me. He almost dropped the bottle in shock, before setting on the side behind him, stumbling in surprise. "Katniss!" he said in surprise and Haymitch commented with a smirk, "Uh-oh, someone's in trouble." I gave Haymitch a cold glare and with that, he slowly stumbled out of the room and upstairs out of our way.

"C'mon Peeta, let's go." I said, waiting for him to lead the way. He stumbled over to me and it was evident he could barely stand up. I hovered behind him, ready to catch him if he fell. I wanted to put my hands on his shoulders to gear him towards his house, but I was so angry with him I wasn't sure what I would do if I put my hands on him right now. I had to remind myself that Peeta had looked after me when I had been in conditions worse than this before.

Peeta led the way out into the pouring rain and within seconds his thin white t-shirt was soaked, making it translucent and clinging to his skin. I couldn't help but spare a moment to admire him, before shaking the thoughts from my head and allowed my hand to hover a few inches from his back. Even without touching him, I could feel the heat emanating from him and I struggled to distance myself from it. Peeta stumbled forwards and I flung my arms around him to catch him, but I wasn't strong enough to stop him, so we both fell forwards and I landed on top of him in a tumble. I had grazed my arm but that was beside the point, I was used to pain by now and the first thing I checked was it Peeta was okay. He seemed fine and he looked at me with an apologetic smile which made my heart cave.

"I'm sorry." He said and I untangled him from me and stood up, offering my hand to pull him up, which he took. The contact sent a spark through me, which I fought hard to ignore, remembering my anger at the current situation. We were almost at his house now and I helped him amble up the stone steps before closing the door behind us and pulling a chair out of the kitchen table for him to sit on. He collapsed onto with a huff and his head lolled about lazily.

"How much did you have to drink?" I asked, getting a glass from the cupboard and filling it up with water from the faucet before handing it to him without looking at him.

"I – I don't know." Peeta admitted and I could hear the pride and shame mixed in his voice. He wasn't sorry for what he had done, he was only sorry I had caught him. I knew it was selfish, but I was angry at him because he had broken my routine. He had ruined our time together tonight, which I had been looking forward to after a distant conversation with my mother. I needed comfort from him, but I knew he wouldn't be able to give me what I needed in this state. I hated myself for thinking about myself at this current moment in time, so I tried to put Peeta's needs above my own. That was why I was here with him right now, when every urge in my body wanted to slam the door and walk out.

"Drink." I commanded, inclining my head to the glass in front of him. Peeta looked up as if he had only just noticed the glass before gingerly stretching out his hand to grasp it. He missed by a few inches, knocking the glass over, where it proceeded to roll off of the table and onto the floor, smashing into pieces. Peeta didn't even notice the smash and I walked out to find a brush to sweep up the mess with. Honestly, it was like looking after a child. Something I never wanted to have to do.

I swept up the mess in silence and Peeta said nothing. When I was done, I threw the broken glass into the bin and returned the brush to where I had found it. I paced the kitchen, ranting in my head about the current situation. Out of nowhere, Peeta started mumbling to me drunkenly. "I'm really sorry Katniss," he said through hiccups, "I love you. You know that. I just can't help but want more. I went over to Haymitch's for some advice and courage."

I wasn't sure what he was talking about so I regarded his words until he raised his voice – something Peeta didn't do very often. "Katniss please listen to me!" he shouted, his voice echoing around the kitchen. I stopped my pacing and looked at him, my gray eyes meeting his red ones, the iris' still as blue as the ocean, somehow, mesmerising me. "I can't be satisfied with what we have now. I know it's selfish, but I just can't. I know I shouldn't be asking more from you, but that's all I want. I want a future with you, I want you to move in with me, I want you to marry me, and I want you to have my children. I want to grow old with you, I just want to be with you forever, 'till death does us part and then even after that." His words came tumbling out in a drunken confession and I stood shocked, not sure what to do or say.

I stood frozen for a moment and Peeta's head lolled back again. He looked as if he were about to fall asleep. "You need to get to bed Peeta." I said, walking behind him and pulling him out of his chair. His weight pushed me down but I mustered all my strength to hold him up, dragging him through the hallway and up the stairs to his bedroom before he collapses face down on his bed, passed out. I could smell the alcohol on his breath and I just wanted to leave him in this state. How dare he say those things to me now? Just when things seemed perfect, something had to come along and ruin it all. I had finally settled into a routine and life seemed to be returning to normal – well, as normal as life could be for me. I was so angry at Peeta, but I couldn't bring myself to leave him like this.

Rolling him on to his side, I peeled his wet shirt from his body and unbuckled his trousers before pulling them down his legs. I tried not to look at him because I knew his physique would distract me, but I couldn't help but notice the outline of his member from underneath his boxers. Pulling off his socks, I went to his bathroom and threw the wet clothes in the wash basket. When I returned, Peeta was covered in goose bumps and shivering in his sleep. I was getting tired now and evening had fully set in, so I barely had the strength to lift Peeta up enough to get him under his blankets. Eventually I succeeded and he settled into his bed.

Needing something to do to distract my mind from the thoughts I was having, I decided to do Peeta's washing. It wasn't until I was loading his clothes into the washer that I realized that I seemed like a doting housewife. I was overwhelmed with self-loathing and the urge to leave Peeta's washing and go home. I had to remind myself this wasn't his fault, it was just drunk talk, and he wouldn't even remember it tomorrow. I set the machine on, which had been a gift from Effie from the Capitol. She had spent a good day or two explaining how to use it and I was still no expert. I wouldn't be surprised if Peeta's clothes all came out two sizes too small, but right now I didn't really care.

After finishing the load, I wasn't sure what to do with myself. After a moment of standing in the darkness, I found myself deviating back towards Peeta's bedroom and I watched him sleep for a while. His breath was deep and ragged and every time he didn't breath for a while I began to get paranoid. I couldn't keep doing this to myself, so after an hour, I had to leave. Every part of me wanted to stay, but as I left his house for my own to sleep cold and alone for the first time in months, I left my heart with him.


	18. Time

I woke up feeling empty and lonely and the first thing I noticed was the absence of Peeta's arms around me. I usually woke up surrounded by his warmth. I liked to close my eyes and listen to his breathing, because I usually always woke up earlier than him. I guess it was a habit from growing up in the Seam, where the sleeping conditions weren't as comfortable as in the merchant area of District 12, where Peeta had grown up.

Today, there was nothing keeping me in the bed, but I found it hard to muster the motivation to get up. I didn't even want to face the day. Eventually, I forced myself up, albeit with a groan of disapproval. I throw myself into a warm shower, hoping the water can replace the cold I feel on my skin caused by the lack of his presence. I find myself pretty pathetic, feeling cold simply because Peeta isn't with me. It's thing like this which make me feel like I've become dependent; something I never want to be. I have always been a survivalist, I don't need anybody else.

I stand in the shower for a while, thinking about what Peeta had said last night. I decided it was just drunk talk and eradicated it from my mind, before stepping out of the shower, drying myself off, dressing in my hunting gear and braiding my hair. Hunting always relaxed me whenever I got stressed out like this. By the time I made my way outside, it was dawn and the birds were chirruping in the trees. All the lights were out in Peeta's home, I noticed as I walked by it on my way to the forest. I felt the overwhelming urge to go inside and check on him, but I ignored it, fighting it off with all the strength I had.

I spent the day in the forest, but the amount of kills I made was abysmal. You could tell my heart simply wasn't in it today. I'd left it with Peeta. It was so hard not to think of him, so once I'd let myself attempt to hunt for long enough, I returned home, got changed into evening wear and showering for the second time in the day, simply trying to delay my visit. Finally, I couldn't find anything else to procrastinate with, so I made my way over to Peeta's house. I let myself in and it was dark outside now, but Peeta hadn't turned any of the lights on. I searched for him, finding him asleep in his bed.

I stood there for a moment, unsure of whether to wake him. I was about to walk back out of the room when he opened his eyes. "Katniss?" he said sleepily. God, his voice was so sexy. "Yeah?" I coughed out, embarrassed by the situation. Peeta rolled over under the covers and sat up, struggling with his artificial leg. I had forgot to take it off him last night and he hated to sleep with it on. I felt a pang of regret. "Are you okay?" I asked, when he sat still for a few moments. He simply nodded his head, but I could tell something wasn't quite right. I made my way to the bathroom and brought the bin to him and sure enough – he snatched it from me and vomited violently.

Whilst he vomited, I stood awkwardly beside him for a minute, before sitting down on the bed beside him and subconsciously rubbing his back. He was shirtless and my hands glided across the contours of his back and I felt the hard muscles clench beneath his skin, which did weird things to my stomach. I carried on rubbing him, more for my sake than his. After a while, I felt Peeta relax into my touch, but for some reason I couldn't stop touching him. I managed to pull my hand away and held them both in my lap, to resist future temptation. "Ugh, thanks." Peeta whispered, staring dead ahead of himself, not looking at me.

I took the bin from him without a word and emptied it and cleaned it out, removing the harsh smell of vomit from the room within minutes. I returned the bin and when I came back I found Peeta struggling to get up from the bed, so I pushed him back down gently. "Maybe you should just stay in bed for today? Well, what's left of it anyway." He opened his mouth to disagree, but I started to tuck the covers in around him and he knew it was a lost battle. "I'll make you something light to eat." I told Peeta with a smile, before making my way downstairs to his kitchen. I searched his cupboards, before decided on making him omelettes; my culinary skills were nothing compared to his. I poured him a glass of water whilst the omelettes cooked and took his dinner upstairs.

Peeta sighed at all the 'unnecessary' fuss, but I shushed him quiet and watched him eat. When he had finally finished eating, I took the plate back downstairs, washing up before pouring him another glass of water. As I handed him the glass, I wasn't sure what to do next. I had made sure to feed him, so I thought about leaving. He could see it in my eyes, he knew me so well. "Don't go." Peeta said, before I had even turned to leave. I contemplated his words for a moment, before sitting down on the bed beside him. Persistent as always, Peeta lifted the covers over my legs and I felt myself falling into a lying down position, next to him. He rolled to face me, his glass on the bedside table and his artificial leg unclipped and on the floor.

We lay there staring at each other, not saying anything for what felt like forever. I was quite happy to stay like this, but alas, Peeta finally had the courage to say what was on his mind. I had noticed something had been bothering him all day. "I remember."

"You remember what?" I asked, playing dumb.

"What I said, yesterday." My heart dropped at his words, but on the outside, I seemed as controlled as usual.

"Oh yeah, don't worry about it. You were just drunk." I played it off, trying hard not go get wrapped up in what he was saying. We had been silent for so long, the sound of our voices was weird.

"That doesn't mean I didn't mean it."

"Peeta, please," I said, my voice barely louder than a whisper. I watched him as his eyes fluttered closed gently in defeat. I knew I'd hurt him. It was all I seemed to do lately. Pulling my arm up and out of the covers, I reached out slowly and gently stroked his face. He kept his eyes closed, but they fluttered at the contact. Peeta exhaled, his sweet, hot breath whirling in my face.

My hand came to a rest at his neck and I could feel his pulse beneath my fingers. Peeta reached up to hold my hand in his, before he opened his eyes again and his sky blue eyes pierced my steel gray ones. He held my gaze, before opening his mouth to speak. "Please, Katniss, don't be scared." I closed my eyes to his words, but he just waited for me to open them again before carrying on.

"Here we are. So close, yet so far. When will you realize how much I love you?" He asked me, his eyes locked on mine. I had never seen a pair of eyes as beautiful as Peeta's in my whole entire life. I could stare into them for the rest of eternity. They were so deep, so bright, and so blue. When I looked into his eyes, I felt safe. Like nothing else mattered. Nothing else could hurt me ever again. They were so powerful, I just wanted to crawl into his eyes and live the rest of my life there. Maybe then I could see the world with the same positive attitude that Peeta did. It was this attitude that prevented him from giving up on me. I had to commend him on that.

"I don't think I ever will," I answered honestly. Peeta's head shifted a little on his pillow, but he waited expectantly for him to continue. "You seem to love me so much," I said, struggling to find the right words. "Nobody's ever loved me as much as you do. I just find, I'm not really sure what to do with myself. I've always lived in order to survive, everyone I loved I lost and I just became scared to love, but now I know that I'm so in love with you I simply don't know what to do with myself. It scares me and I just want to stay here, forever, like you told me that time on the train. I just want to stare into your eyes and lay here forever, just existing. But we can't just exist, we have to live. And living is much harder than existing."

Peeta listened intently to my words, never attempting to interrupt or responding to anything I said. He was such a patient listener, I envied him a little. "All the things you mentioned last night, marriage, children, commitment – they're so conventional. I don't think I'd be able to handle being so... normal. Nothing about me is normal. I'm so paradoxical. I have these thoughts and these feelings and they feel separate from me. I don't know what to do, I feel so lost. This is the first time I've ever told anyone about any of this and I just, I don't want to feel alone anymore Peeta." I finished, finally breaking down into tears as the weight of my confession washed over me. Peeta reached out and pulled me into his arms, his breath in my hair and his arms wrapped around me.

My first thought was home. I knew in my heart that this was where I belonged. Being in his arms, I didn't feel so sad anymore. I wiped away my tears and brushed my face against his arm. He held me for a few minutes, before saying anything. Peeta was always so thoughtful in his words. "You will always have me. I know what it feels like to be alone Katniss and I'm not going to let you feel like that anymore. So, for as long as you need me, I'll be here. I won't push you anymore, but I'll let you know now, like I've said before, I'm not going anywhere. I don't care how long it takes to prove that to you, because I know that one day you'll turn up at my doorstep and you won't ever look back." He said it with such confidence that I imagined myself bringing my few belongings (and Buttercup, who spent more time with Peeta than me anyway) over to Peeta's house and leaving them here. It didn't seem like such a bad idea. It was weird that I found myself warming to the idea. Maybe I just needed time. Peeta always had a way of convincing me to do what was right.

And I knew, at the end of it all, being with him was the only thing that would ever be right for me. Forever and always.

**A/N: Sorry it's taking me so long to update – I've got exams, but don't worry! I haven't forgotten about you guys! A lot of you are asking for Katniss to show some more positive emotion towards Peeta, so I'm thinking a pregnancy might help with that? Let me know what you think! :3**


	19. Forever

It had been weeks since I had last seen Peeta. After he'd told me he'd wait for me, I had locked myself away in my house. Keeping to his word, he hadn't pushed me. He hadn't been round, he hadn't called, but I often found loaves of bread left on the table on my porch and sometimes I could swear I would see his curtain swishing as he closed it whenever I looked out of my window. I wasn't doing this to hurt him. I would never intentionally do anything to hurt him. But if I did not go away, I could not come back.

Maybe it was wrong, to test him like this. But I liked the security I had with Peeta; I wanted to be sure of that. This was one of the hardest things I had ever done, I thought to myself, as I sat dejected at my kitchen table, Buttercup purring in my lap. I was literally counting the days since I had last seen his face. There were moments, when I just wanted to pick up the phone and call him, just to hear his voice, to keep me going. Whenever I felt like this, I went hunting, or for a walk, or anything which distracted me. But even then, my mind would wander back to Peeta.

When I fell asleep at night, I felt him with me. Although he was not there, it felt like he was. The feeling was weird, knowing he was only next door and I could easily have him over here, but I was holding him at bay. The door to my house remained locked and all the curtains were closed. I didn't want Peeta to see what I was planning.

I was so excited, which was rare for me. I held on to this feeling because it felt good. It filled me up inside, warming me to my core. I was determined for this to work, which was my motivation for driving a wedge between me and Peeta. I kept repeating mantra's in my head, such as 'absence makes the heart grow fonder', but the longer I left it; the harder it became to convince even myself that this was a good idea.

I hadn't told Gale about the idea whenever I spoke to him on the phone, because he knew he was still not happy about the image of me and Peeta. I wondered if I would ever truly resolve things with Gale. I knew it was selfish, but I just wished he would find somebody in District 2 to fall in love, so he didn't have feelings for me anymore. It was just too difficult. I didn't want to keep hurting him like this. I knew how painful it was for him to be just friends with me. On the other hand, he sounded happy, and what he didn't know couldn't hurt him. I knew eventually he would find somebody. He was too wonderful not to. I took solace in this fact.

Both Haymitch and Greasy Sae had visited and they both knew about the idea, but I had sworn them both to secrecy. Greasy Sae was checking up on me, like she still did from time to time. Evidently, District 12 had heard about my recent reclusive behaviour. She was excited as I was and promised to keep it a secret. When I told Haymitch, he seemed taken aback, which made me happy. It took a good idea to surprise Haymitch; he had seen a lot over the years.

40 days.

It had been 40 days since I had last seen Peeta. I felt like I was about to lose my mind. Everything was prepared. It hadn't taken long, but 40 days was my target goal. I wanted to know I could last 40 days without him. I wanted to know I had my independence. I was only human, and all humans had reservations. I wondered how he was doing without me. I wondered what was going through his mind. I wondered if he was angry with me. It was time to find out.

I put Buttercup in his cage as gently as I could, but he mewled at me for it. His eyes glowed through the steel bars as I lifted his portable cage up and picked up my suitcase in the other hand. It was pretty pathetic that all the belongings I wanted to keep could fit in one suitcase. I kept all of Cinna's creations as a memorial to him. That was what had taken me the longest, deciding what to take with me and what to leave behind. Today was the start of a new chapter in my house. I didn't know how house sales worked within Victor's Village, but then I had simply decided I didn't care and I would abandon it.

One of the most emotional things was sorting through all of the belongings which were not mine. Prim's things, the things my mother had left behind, Cinna's clothes. I had mailed the things my mother had left behind to her. I had asked her about it first and now she felt strong enough to have them in her possession. This made me happy, to see my mother, the healer, finally healing, after spending all her time focusing on everybody else. She sounded happy. Healthier.

I'll admit, I had cried plenty of tears when I was sorting through Prim's belongings. That had took the most time. I had sniffed every piece of clothing and inspected every toy. It was an almost impossible task, but I had finally managed to narrow down what I wanted to keep of her. I couldn't carry around mindless crap for the rest of my life and I knew she would understand that, I kept telling myself as I threw away toys she never played with and clothes she never wore. I decided to keep only her favourite things.

I took one last final look around my house. This had never been my home, not really. It had been a great escape from the Seam, but that was all. It had provided security for my family, but now it was of no use. I didn't need it anymore. Turning off the kitchen light, I laid the keys on the table and shut the door behind me with a dull thud.

The spring had turned to summer, but even so, it was raining heavily. It was July and despite the rain it was quite warm out. My suitcase wheels didn't agree with the sludgy ground as I made my way over to Peeta's house. My mind was racing through scenarios of what his reaction would be. It was only as I reached his doorstep and rang the doorbell that I worried this could go horribly wrong. Peeta hadn't seen me for 40 days. For us, that was equivalent to a lifetime.

I listened for him and heard him shuffling about the kitchen. He reached the door and opened it, his expression sad. His eyes lit up as he saw me, but he did not smile the smile he usually saved for me. I wasn't sure how I looked, but the rain had frizzed my hair and Buttercup had left scratches down my arms from where I had stuffed him into his cage. Peeta's looked at me with a mix of confusion and sadness.

"I know that one day you'll turn up at my doorstep and you won't ever look back," I quoted him. These were the last words he had said to me and Peeta stared at me incredulously, as if I were mad. He probably thought I was insane again, or something. My face split into a smile as I held out my suitcase. "I'm never looking back Peeta," I said with a shake of my head. "I'm only looking forward. But I can only do that, if I know you're by my side. "

Peeta stepped out onto the porch and closed the door behind him, so it was ajar. That wasn't a good sign. My smile faltered and panic flooded through me. Standing a few inches taller than me, Peeta stared down into my eyes for far too long. If it was anybody else, I would've felt uncomfortable. But the fact of the matter was that it was Peeta and nothing he could do could ever make me feel that way. The only sound was the raindrops hitting the muddy ground behind us as we stared into each other's souls and even Buttercup waited with baited breath, giving up on scratching at the bars of his cage.

Eventually, Peeta spoke.

"Forever?" he said, his voice rising at the end, indicating it was a question.

"Forever is a really long time, Peeta."

His hands were immediately on either side of my neck, cupping my jaw and cheeks up to the sides of my face as he pulled my face up to his and his lips descended on mine. The kiss was gentle and my grip loosened on my suitcase and Buttercup's cage until I dropped them onto his porch with a clatter. Buttercup's cage broke open and he sprung inside Peeta's house, opening the door. I felt embarrassed at how stupid I'd been and went to pull away, but Peeta would not allow it. His hand slid around to the base of my neck and held me there, the kiss increasing in intensity until I was out of breath and forced to pull away. Even then, he carried on kissing me, slowly moving from my lips, across my face until he reached my ear, whispering in it with hot breath that tickled me.

"Not long enough," he said, and the desperation was clear in his voice. My heart blossomed as he pulled me into his house, the suitcases and empty cage. He placed them aside before turning to face me.

"Are you sure about this, Peeta?" I asked him, concerned.

"If someone had told me a year or two ago that every day I'd get to wake up to your smile," I smiled as he said this, "I'd have been the happiest man alive. That still applies today. So yes, I'm sure about this, Katniss. In fact, I've never been more sure about anything in my whole entire life. Like you said, forever is a long time, but I wouldn't mind spending it by your side."

I felt myself smiling so wide that my cheeks hurt and Peeta stared at me lovingly before pulling me in for another kiss. He pulled me up into his arms and held me into his chest as he grabbed my suitcase and brought it upstairs. I didn't worry he would drop me; I was too focused on how his muscular arms tensed as he carried me up the stairs.

As soon as he got me into his bedroom – our bedroom, he threw my suitcase aside and slung me down onto the bed, before making passionate love to me. I clung onto him for dear life, never knowing such realms of both pleasure and happiness. We had been apart for so long, it felt nice to be at one with him in the most natural way possible. As I fell asleep in his arms, I felt the hole in my chest the absence between us has caused heal up.

Taking a break from Peeta to move in with him had been one of the best decisions of my life. There was no looking back now. Tomorrow, I would find a place for all my things, I already knew memorabilia of Prim and Cinna would be stowed away in my wardrobe, only pulled out when I wanted to think of them. I fell to asleep, at peace.

The next day, I woke up to find Peeta smiling at me and I finally understood what he meant by waking up to a smile. It started off your day wonderfully. We looked at each other for a moment, before he asked me something.

"Yesterday, you turned up at my doorstep and promised to spend every day for the rest of forever with me. Real or not real?"

I leaned forward and kissed him gently on the nose, his eyes following mine as I pulled back slightly.

"Real."


End file.
